Questions about Dealing with Emotional Dissociation

Hello  I enjoyed your article on Intuitives, Empaths, and the Dissociated person.  I am traveling through a very difficult time in my life and have literally felt like I don't know what hit me.  I am an intuitive but just beginning my spiritual journey.  I am a scientist with an open mind and am finding so much truth in the spiritual side of life. I have been married for 12 years and although my wife is a great mother (we have two boys), I have discovered that I am in an abusive relationship - abusive emotionally.  I have discovered this after countless hours of research and reading and talking to many different people including a year of counseling (both with my wife and by myself).  My close family members have told me for years that things were not as I observed - I was ordered around and not loved or respected.  My wife is not a bad person, but we don't seem to function well together, unless I am taking care of all of the emotion.  We are different creatures.  I have felt like my energy has slowly been drained over the years and now I have nothing left to give to her.It appears that our marriage is over.  I have no desire to jump through the next higher layer of hoops to win her over.  We have both said that in our gut we know it is over.  We are separted but still sleeping in the same bed and this is the plan for a year.  I have withdrawn my emotional energy from her and I am feeling better, but at times she seems bitter.  I am preparing to move on, but finding I feel uneasy and lonely at times.I have two questions in relation to your article.  First, myself and others that I have shown this article to do not quite understand what is meant by the intuitive processing the dissociated persons emotional energy for them.   I can understand that my energy field has been drained, but not the processing part.The second part of my question is, is it better to stay in a dead-end relationship for kids sake or is it more important for my soul and that of my children (and even my wife's) to move on and be true to myself and hope to find another person of similar spirit?  I know similar people to me are out there, in fact I believe I met a soul mate of mine 10 years ago - we have been close friends since.   I know there are studies, some of which say it is best to stay together (for the kids sake), but others say it is best to show the kids true happiness, which can't be found in the current relationship.  So from a spiritual perspective, what is best for myself, my wife, and our kids?  I truly believe that my wife is dissociated and has deep emotional sadness and pain (which I can't get to in order to help), therefore the direction that I am heading appears to match what your article recommends - step out of the way gently, which I interpret to mean that I should move on (I am not suggesting that your article is telling me to leave my wife!).I know from my core that I must move on.  My counselor has told me this and he is helping me move in this direction - not pushing me but definately guiding me, my family has suggested this, my wife wants to.   I guess since I haven't done this before, it does terrify me, but I also know that I am happy on my own and will always be - alone or not, my happiness comes from within. I love life, my job, my kids, and the journey that I am just starting.  I am finding strength in my soul mate, friends, family, counseling, and wonderfully insightful articles such as this. I guess what I am looking for someone to tell me it is okay to move on, in fact it is the right thing to do.  I definately have the strength to do this, but it is incredibly difficult at times.  I know that you do not know me, so I am looking for a broader spiritual answer and not necessarily one specific to my situation.  I am mainly concerned about my children and how this will affect them.  I had hoped and expected to be with them every day of their childhood.Thanks for your time,NeoInsight

Changing the Collective Nightmare

Hello Everyone,Yesterday one of my clients asked me,  "How do I stop feeling guilty for all my blessings when most of the world is in pain and has nothing?"   While I didn't channel the pain of the world as my client has done, I did have guilt that kept me from really enjoying and embracing my life, when I was first getting started in my personal healing. After years of schooling in physics, and then teaching, I used to feel guilty that I was able to stay at home and work on my own dreams, write, and play, and do tons of self-care required to heal enough to be creative. (At the time I wanted to be a sci-fi and fantasy writer---I had no idea that I was going to be struck psychic and a practice as a shaman was coming.) From the outside, from external comparisons, I looked like a decadent weirdo.  I had friends who were resentful and jealous that I was sponging off my first husband; I didn’t have to work as hard as they did.  And I felt guilty and defensive, and yet, a really cool life that I dreamed of living was a life that included creativity, play, and not working very hard at dreary jobs. The reasons I felt guilty and defensive were that I also bought into the belief system that I had to work hard, that life was a life of suffering, and I wasn’t putting value on the spiritual and the creative aspects of life.  No wonder I felt guilty! What I had to realize was, if I truly wanted a life of joy, I had to insist upon it.  I had to use the circumstances I was born with---born into the middle class, given a great education, given a very well developed mind---as the foundation stones to make my life into the best life I could have. What I discovered as I did so was that Yes, there is a collective nightmare out there.  And that nightmare is horrifying.  All of us are part of the collective, so we are all susceptible to being caught up in it.  At the same time, when I focused on what my Heart and Soul craved, life for just me became much, much happier and brighter.  Because I was willing to commit to myself, I found this beautiful, universal, and intelligent creative force was matching my efforts and bringing me more and more. I discovered that the beliefs that we hold to be facts, and the emotions contained inside those beliefs, are what hold us prisoner in the Collective nightmare.  When I decided to wake myself up, I was stepping out of the collective nightmare.  What also began to happen is that my immediate circumstances began to change for the better.  The people with the old belief system went away to be replaced with others with expansive, life-is-good belief systems. I have worked with clients who have invented their own prisons just by the beliefs that they keep.  I have also worked with clients who are subject to the group think beliefs of their culture or family, and have a terrible time creating the lives that they want because the group think is so strong.  And yet, every once in a while there is someone that breaks free of the collective.  In every case that is because they were strong individuals, deeply commited to their souls and to their hearts. What this made me decide was that my feelings of guilt were a mistake.  Somehow I was a product of my own culture's group think, too.  That was just part of the start-button for all human beings.  Freedom comes in learning how to cultivate that Soul Strength, that precious originality that we all have.  And when we do that, then we become these magical creatures. The really neat thing that happened when I got this was that I found that the people around me started picking up on the changes going on inside me.  My vibration was affecting the vibrations around me.  By my healing myself I was healing others simply by my presence.  I'd hear stories later of how I inspired them when I hadn't intended any such thing!  It was now the reverse of where I had started from: one individual being beaten down by my local group think---I had now grown so powerful I could actually change the group think around me instead! So, perhaps the way out of feeling so guilty is to say, Yes, the world is as it is.  It is full of pain, it is full of horror, it is full of unfairness, and very few people out there have purposefully created that for themselves consciously.  That is all true.  But, each of us has the power and the resources within us to gain personal freedom. You can gain personal freedom by acknowledging your own power.  Ultimately, if you *do* commit to your soul, that will mean that you will have to indulge yourself in the best life has to offer you, and that might feel decadent.  But it is precisely that mechanism that makes your Soul strong and allows you to change the collective nightmare into more of a collective dream of bliss.  And man, do we need that!!!! I think each of us has the potential to change the world by our very presence.  But to do that, you have to really commit to living a wonderful, happy life, revelling in it, engaging in it, and not denying the hard parts, too.   I guess I don’t feel guilt at the state of the world any longer because I know that each of us has the same internal resources to heal themselves.  And I also know that each of us must come to that healing in our own time and in our own way.  And I know that it is a mystery how that happens!  I know what I must do, and I put all my energy in following the calling of my Soul.Feeding your soul, commiting to your Soul's Journey is the surest and most honest way of changing the Collective Nightmare that I know of.Elaine

May 2008 Newsletter

Hello Everyone!I've created a new newsletter on my website for May.  Included are topics around self-care and the challenge of healing work.http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/May2008Newsletter.htm  Enjoy!!Elaine

The Healing Process and Soul Retrieval

Hi Everyone,            It is such an honor working with my clients.  Each of them has committed to their own healing, which takes courage to go into the suppressed and repressed parts of ourselves.   As my mentor, Greta, points out, no healing can occur when emotions or thoughts are repressed.  When we consciously embark on our healing path these emotions and thoughts bubble up to the surface, which can be an incredibly painful experience.  Allowing the pain to come up and to pass is difficult precisely because we have been repressing these emotions for a reason.  Allowing this process takes courage, and it leads to lasting acceptance and forgiveness of ourselves and others.  However, it can feel like we are moving backwards instead of forward when the pain arises.            Much of the work I do with my current clients is around holding space for them as they go through the healing process.  Soul Retrieval work brings to consciousness lost parts of ourselves that left because they couldn't handle the conditions at the time.  That lost consciousness is returned, but sometimes it is difficult to see and to accept ourselves as we reintegrate these parts.  Recently I had a client who had done years of personal work on herself and her need to achieve.  Her drive toward achieving had made her ill, but she had used her illness to dive into her personal healing of her soul.            She was struggling with acceptance of herself, with letting go the impossible standard she still felt she must live up to.  The failure to meet these standards led to self hatred.  During a soul retrieval, her soul part was willing to come back if my client could let go of her self-hatred and accept the parts that she felt were not up to standard.  Until then, it couldn't help but leave again in order to keep itself protected.  The fact that the soul part wasn't ready to come back was a blow for my client; here was someone else who didn't think she was good enough even after all the work she had done.  If my client could see instead that she was on the right track, that there was no one external in her way any longer, only her own self concept, then she could begin to shift that on a deeper level.            But, healing is a messy process.  It sometimes gets worse before it gets better.  And then at other times miraculous healings take place so deeply that the client doesn't remember what had been bothering them in the first place.  I have had clients tell me that they didn't feel a particular soul retrieval was very profound, but from my perspective and their friends' perspectives, we noticed a huge shift in behavior.  This is one reason I tell clients that there are no guarantees with Soul Retrieval work---it is just too mysterious to be able to predict how a session will go.

Empathy and Being a Scapegoat

Hi Everyone!I've published a new essay on my website around a very painful trap that Empaths can fall into; processing the emotional energy of not just one person, but of an entire group, and then being rejected by the group for holding all those unwanted emotions.  This can be horribly confusing and painful for the sensitive soul.  Here's the link: http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/Scapegoating.htm I hope this is helpful and you are enjoying the entrance of Summer!Elaine

Anger and Generational Imprints

One of the more common generational imprints I've seen within my practice are those in which Rage is passed down generation to generation.  Most of us understand that anger in itself is not a "negative" emotion, although most of us are uncomfortable expressing that emotion.  We've all had anger directed at us that when expressed has been done in such a way that causes damage all around.            Anger can be a force for good.  Most reform happens because someone and then a critical mass of people have become angry enough to stand up for themselves and enact change.  In fact, I tell my empathic clients not to be afraid of their anger for it is usually a signal that they have let their boundaries and limits be overrun by someone else.  Then we break down the incident so the empath can learn where her limits are so she does not have to become angry in similar situations.            In this way, Anger can be seen as a survival mechanism.  It can be very protective and helpful.  However, when we are enraged, that is usually because we have old bottled up anger that is ready to explode and wipe out everyone around us.  If this anger is generational, then not only do we have our own old anger, we have our ancestors' anger, too.  This sort of rage can be very hard to control, and we may need help understanding it, or we may need to understand why it became a part of the family contracts so we can rewrite those contracts in a way that serves us better.            There is usually some hidden benefit to becoming that angry.  The benefit may be that it keeps us from being totally overwhelmed by life circumstances.  It may be that it prevents us from dealing with grief or sadness that underlies the original anger.  In my own life, I have a very strong anger streak that runs through my father's side of the family.  We even call it the Moran family anger.  My great uncle, with humor and chagrin, told stories of how his aunts met in wagons at intersections out in Minnesota, and yelled, screamed, and insulted each other on the weekends.  My great aunt, this great uncle's wife, told stories of him throwing food around the kitchen when he wasn't satisfied with his dinner, and she also told stories of my grandmother angrily cutting off family members for tiny slights.  This was hard to picture, visiting their calm and tidy house with my great uncle's beautiful garden during the holidays, but I had seen my own father, normally quiet and introverted, fly into similar rages.            Needless to say, I was terrified of my own anger and that I, too, had inherited this curse.  I saw it play out with my father and my mother, and I did not want to have those outbursts myself.  But I did anway.  It took great practice to label my anger as my own responsiblity.  Each time I tried to say that that person "made" me angry, I had to very firmly take responsibility for my anger back to myself.  I had to ask myself, where did I allow my limit to be crossed?  Did I know my limits?  Was I inviting someone to fail so I could take a stab at them later?  Did they know what my expecations were, or was I expecting them to read my mind?            I also journeyed to take a look at what the benefit for my family was in holding all this anger.  There was a strong sense of justice that came along with it---that ancestors had been wronged in the past.  The anger gave them the strength to survive.  I had Irish ancestors that weren't well treated, and then later I had French Canadian and Native American ancestors that had continued that pattern.  But, the gift was clear---anger led to a sense of strength and endurance, and it also led to a sense of justice and fairness when it was not twisted into victimhood and blame.            So, in understanding the benefits of the generational imprint, I was able to honor the gifts my angry ancestors had given me, and discard all the rest.  It is still a practice to honor my anger, and express it without insult and on time when it does arise, so it doesn't blow into rages.            If you are suffering from unresolved rage, it might be generational.  It probably is if as a child you had an angry parent.  Soul Retrieval and Extraction Work will probably help a great deal.  Becoming conscious of the benefit of the anger will also help.  But ultimately, taking responsiblity for the anger, owning it completely, reminding ourselves that we are the ones responsible for our anger and our expressions of it puts the power directly in our hands.             As we practice taking responsibility for our anger, at first we will discover to our horror how much damage we have done to the people around us.  We have probably been holding our loved ones hostage if we have been blaming them for our anger.  They might have stopped speaking to us their real needs, thinking that all they will invite is an angry outburst.  They probably have their own resentments brewing since they do not feel safe enough to express them to us.  Or, they might have left entirely just to get away from the constant sense of danger.  They could also be so beaten down and victimized by our anger that they have given up entirely and tip toe around us, and then we may be angry at them for being so weak and cowardly.            The practice is, whenever we become angry, to step back and ask ourselves, where did this come from?  It is perfectly OK to say to the person with us, "I am so angry right now, I don't know what to do!"  Refrain from blaming (i.e. You are making me angry!)  If we need to leave because we know we are about to fly out of control, we can tell that to our companion, and go for a breath of air or leave the room.  Then, we can look at what limit has been reached.  What happened to trigger the anger?  Is there a need that can be met?  Is this old anger, or is it really something new?            With practice, we can move into conscious competence of this powerful emotion.  We no longer have to be frightened of the anger that lies within us, but can use it for self-discovery and personal power.

New Upcoming Workshop---children and parents

Hi All, I'm putting together a new workshop for parents of young children.  As a new mother myself, I am learning as I go!  This workshop will cover subjects such as how to create sacred spaces and containers for your children, how to keep your child heart connected so his intuitive and spiritual gifts stay intact, how to help the sensitive child (and the sensitive parent), how to help your children problem solve by tuning into your empathic gifts, and a few basics on energywork to help children and parents.  If you have topics you'd like to see discussed, please let me know!  I plan to have this workshop up and running by fall at the latest.  Stay tuned! Elaine

Drama and Empathy---Being a Rescuer

Hi Everyone,             The Drama Triangle is essential for Empaths and Spiritual Seekers to understand so we can avoid it and have more energy to create the lives that we really want. Practicing spotting when we are playing any of the three roles (Victim, Rescuer, Perpetrator) can help take us out of the drama triangle forever and into personal empowerment. Because the roles of  drama are archetypal (they are a part of our culture and group consciousness) they can be hard to notice when we are playing them.             Once the Empath comes to terms with the way he or she acts out a victim story, the next role to look at is the Rescuer.  This is the role that is the most confusing for Empaths.  Because empaths are easily hooked in to the emotional responses of others, and we are naturally compassionate, and because emotional energy is something that we are good at processing, we can find ourselves making others in our lives feel better by processing the others' emotions for them, or by trying to actively fix and find solutions for the others in our lives.  Although usually there are good intentions involved, rescuing usually does not work out well because it still leaves the victim disempowered and the rescuing empath depleted.            In more unhealed cases, rescuers can get themselves into trouble by making themselves necessary to the victim's life.  More common for the Empath is the times when we are not aware that we are playing the role of rescuer, and we discover ourselves in a relationship where we find we are considered necessary to another, even though we haven't chosen this for ourselves.  Then we can find ourselves feeling trapped and unable to figure out how to escape.            In fact, whatever victim we have attracted to ourselves has expectations on how we should behave as rescuer.  When we don't come through for this person the way she expects, she can become very angry with us and blame us for a failed rescue.  (The rescuer now becomes the perpetrator in the victim's eyes for the failed rescue.)  From the rescuer's perspective, we are in danger of thinking of ourselves as a victim of the angry victim's blame and demands, and so the original victim we were supposed to rescue has become the perpetrator.  If we do not catch ourselves at this point, we can continue this cycle of switching places on the drama triangle, creating discomfort and pain for everyone involved.            The way out of this, if we tend to be rescuers, is to make sure that our support is not crossing the line into the other person's power.  If we unwittingly attract a victim person to us, in some cases once we notice we are in this pattern, we can mention what we see, and if the person is conscious enough and willing enough, she may step out of their victim pattern.  In other cases we may have to weather a brief storm from her for failing to rescue the victim the way she would like us to, but if we hold still, the storm will pass and the victim will move on to finding a better rescuer.  And then we will be the wiser and stop the pattern earlier the next time. It's a practice!!!Elaine

Drama and Empathy---being a victim

Hi Everyone, I'm in the process of writing a guide for empaths, and one of the topics that comes up again and again in my practice is how Empaths tend to get stuck in drama.  A drama can be created when we find ourselves acting or behaving as victims.  Being a victim is a position of powerlessness, which then makes it hard to create the life we really want.  We literally cannot manifest our dreams because the vibe we put out is all around helplessness.  Instead, what we attract to us is a Rescuer (who tries to fix us or solve our problems for us, keeping us powerless) or we attract a Perpetrator (who picks on us, and makes us feel even more victimized).  This can be a hugely vicious cycle.  The way to get out of it is to catch yourself if you are blaming someone or circumstances for your emotional or mental state, and then put yourself back into a position of power by claiming responsiblity for your emotions and thoughts.  For empaths this can be a challenge because we can identify so strongly with our emotions.  The emotions are not the problem, however, our perspective around the circumstance at hand is.  When we change the way we relate to the world, it automatically changes how it relates to us. 

Empaths & Weight

I have recently made the connection between being an Empath and taking on extra body weight. I never noticed this before and I wonder why it isn't discussed more in the weight-loss communities. Are people aware of it? I know it is common for victims of sexual abuse to become obese which makes sense. (Oprah's story is one that comes to mind). I also noticed before that many massage therapists are often more heavyset. Is this because by touching people they automatically process more of their stuff and need a barrier?I also have my own recent experience with finally losing a significant amount of weight that I had had for years. The catalyst in me losing it was actually a HUGE fight I had with my father while visiting. Immediately after the fight I flew home and felt a blow in my 3rd chakra as though a physical cord had been severed and that a significant separation had involuntarily occured--after butting heads with my father for years. While I didn't make the connection until much later, it was very shortly after this that I felt pulled to go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Once I made that commitment, losing the weight was not all that difficult. It seems as though all the elements were in place.Throughout the process and even now I look back and notice how weight is a protective layer. I recently heard someone say that overweight individuals are in "protective" mode. What is it protecting us from?It wasn't until a session with Elaine when the other puzzle piece came together. I learned I was an empath and as a result I process other peoples emotions and "stuff", subconsiously. Finally a name to what I'd been feeling all this time! This is why I always was so tired, especially around people. Being tired makes me feel like I need more "fuel" which makes me eat more than is necessary, which makes me gain weight, which gives me the protection I needed. A-ha! It's all linked together.For me, I can see that my father is the person who I had always tried to help emotionally, taking on his stuff, always trying to fix it, make him feel better, etc.. While never being able to. The funny thing is, I think my father is exactly this same way!This has made me think about so many other Empath issues and I wonder if cigarette smokers do it to push people away because they "can't handle" life?I'd love to learn more about this if anyone has any insights!

Boundaries, Speaking our Needs

Hi Everyone,I had a client ask me recently what to do when a roommate invites a houseguest over for a 10 day stay during the holidays in an already crowded apartment. My client is highly intuitive and sensitive, and also gives readings, which means she needs considerable down time. Her question was how to handle the situation, and whether or not there was more she could do energetically to protect herself during this time, or if she should just plan on staying somewhere else.Sometimes the best energetic boundary is speaking up for ourselves and our needs. Empaths know they have a different set of needs than most people, and so we can get the idea that our needs don't count as much because they seem unreasonable or too different from the rest of the world. Learning how to speak our needs unapologetically is a basic step in proper self-care. Yes, we take the first scary step in admitting who we are, but how else are people to truly know us?Empaths and intuitives tend to withdraw from this type of situation. A while back I wrote an essay on the need to speak up and the unconscious tendency of sensitive people to withdraw instead of communicate. You can visit that essay atIntuitive, Introverted PatternIn the end my client spoke to her roomate about discussing before hand any more extended visits. Her roommate did not "get" the problem, but because she respected her relationship with my client, agreed. My client was pleasantly surprised and took this as a lesson in her process of learning to claim and take care of who she really is.Elaine

New Essay on Empathy

Hi Everyone,I've finished a new essay on the challenges of being an Empath called Emotional Advocacy. It's under the publications page of my website. In this essay I talk about my experience of being pulled into the position of being the defender of an emotionally dissociated person. I was under the pull of a particular group dynamic, which many empathic people can find themselves in. I hope you enjoy, and that it's useful!The direct link ishttp://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmotionalAdvocacy.htmElaine

Creating Good Boundaries with My Partner and with Others

In a previous comment around taking on other people's energy, Jenna asked how I turn off taking on my husband's energy. Believe me, this is still a work in progress!!The first step is to become aware that I am taking on his energy in the first place. Many times, I get so wrapped up in processing his stuff, that I don't realize it is his and not mine. If I can get my head above water, I'll ask myself, is this my drama? The biggest clue for me that I'm processing my husband's stuff is that I can't resolve it on my own.For me, usually I can resolve my own conflicts, inner and outer, very quickly, because I don't mind conflict. But, when I'm processing another's stuff, it doesn't work out gracefully and causes problems like suddenly jumping into things that aren't really my business. So, if the "stuff" sticks around, I've learned to ask, "Is this really mine?" Especially if I start thinking all sorts of weird thoughts towards people that I wouldn't usually have a problem with.Very recently I discovered that I was carrying around my husband's anger that he was holding toward certain people in his familiy. For him, he's been taught/programmed that feeling anger, especially toward them, is not acceptable. For me, I come from a family that is not afraid of conflict, and in fact probably over-expresses their anger sometimes. ;-) However, because I'm not afraid of anger, and I have a healer's energy system, I'll gladly take on unconsciously whatever anger my husband doesn't want to deal with.When I figured out interaction out, I used a shamanic technique to send the anger/emotions back to my husband. I set the intention to collect all the energy that belonged to him that was not mine, and then I blew it back into his second chakra. My poor husband immediately felt anger. By my refusing to process it for him, he's starting the uncomfortable task of being in conflict and resolving his conflicts in a healthy way. He's also now learning to be comfortable with having the emotion in the first place, and learning what belief system and what woundings have come along with his anger. It's a huge task.Also, for the example where I had the symptoms of food poisoning the day after he did, I knew I was susceptible to taking on his stuff, and I set the intention to not take it on. Unfortunately I still did! But, another thing that we can do, if we feel that we are taking stuff on physically, is to put it into the symbollic or the mythic plane instead of our physical bodies. Many times I'll tune into a client, and tune into all their physical symptoms. One thing I can do instead is draw a tarot card and see symbollically what is going on with them if I know that they are experiencing heavy symptoms so my own body will not have to go through the same thing.Mostly, though, it is the intention to not process for the other, and to stay aware when I'm doing so. It takes practice!!Elaine

My Growing Intuition has made my friends less attractive

Have you ever had the experience of being with a group of people who all appeared to be enjoying themselves and having a good time, but at the same time you felt tension and unspoken words underneath the surface?For intuitive people, such experiences can be disorienting and confusing. Intuitive people are usually also highly empathic. They can tell when someone is lying, and they also can feel the shift in mood even if no one else is acknowledging it in words.Many intuitives when young speak about their experiences and then have them immediately discounted by adults who were very invested in making everything look nice on the surface. If this happened to you, and you believed these adults, it could be a long process to trust your intuitives hits.When I began fully embracing my intuition as an adult, I found that I could no longer tolerate being close with certain people, but not only that, I no longer *wanted* to be close to them. This can be very hard to explain to others who do not value intuition, or who are so invested in not knowing what's really going on they live in denial and stay on the surface.Has this happened to you? Do you have any suggestions on how to handle it?Elaine