Making Fear Your Ally?
Hello Everyone,We are just coming out of our late winter storm here in Oregon with so many people still out of power. My heart goes out to everyone suffering around the country from this crazy ice and snow. Given the pandemic, and then natural weather events, I'm sure many of us are wondering if 2021 is going to turn more interesting than 2020.One thing that is permeating the Collective and many of my clients right now is a sense of Fear. In shamanic practice the shaman knows she cannot get away from Fear--it's part of the mammalian experience, wired directly into us. So, how do we deal successfully with Fear? It's not going to go away completely, so we want to use it as our Ally, as a signal that we are in danger, and then act on that signal to bring ourselves back to safety.The problem for many of us right now is that we are in a constant state of fear, and our bodies are wearing down from the stress, and we cannot think logically when we are that fearful all the time. Fear has turned from being an ally telling us when danger is present, to being turned on all the time. What do we do?The most important practice to do, if you aren't in danger right at this moment, and yes, there are moments when we are mostly OK, is to extend those moments of being OK into the present moment. Take a breath, pay attention at the top and the bottom of the breath where time is "paused" and let ourselves calm down.I highly recommend unplugging from the fearful Collective right now. That might mean refraining from listening to the news or checking in on social media. Give your system a break, look at where you can be thankful and grateful for your circumstances, and let yourself have a few moments free of fear and anxiety. Make this a practice each day, extend those fear-free moments, and see what happens.What usually happens is that the brain can start thinking logically again. We can start finding solutions to problems that have come up in a creative way again, and we can hear our own inner guidance and hear our spiritual guidance much more easily. Our hearts can open again--we can do that small act of kindness for another, like send a late valentine card, or make a phone call, or whatever calls out to us to connect to our fellow man. When we step out of the collective fear, we can find ourselves as individuals again. Remember, the spiritual journey is an individual one. We need you to come back to yourself and your beautiful soul. We need to you pursue your soul's purpose even in these strange times.much love to all of you,Elaine
Elk Portal, April 3-5, 2020, Portland, Oregon!
Hello Everyone,
Welcome to 2020! I hope you are enjoying a good start to the new year. I'm so excited to announce that we have a time and location for our next Portal! Come join us the weekend of April 3rd, in Portland, Oregon for a weekend in the world of Elk.
As many of you know, Marv has been my mentor since we met at the Four Winds almost 20 years ago. I had the pleasure of meeting Shanon during my second experience through the medicine wheel about 10 years ago in Canada. I'm delighted to bring them to Portland so they can share their unique knowledge of the Blackfoot Tradition taught to them by Joe and Josephine Crowshoe. You can learn more about their story here.
For those of you who haven't attended a Portal workshop before, the Portals series offers a gateway to the worlds beyond our consciousness. There are nine Portals within the series, they may be taken in any order, and they each stand alone. If you've been interested in shamanic training but don't know if it is right for you, this is a great way to find out. Within each Portal we learn what each emissary can offer us. It is an experiential workshop, and so come prepared to create your own individual relationship that you take with you in your own life.
Elk shows us how to stand our ground. Elk is immovable, self-assured, and powerful. Elk shows us how to become our own person so we can claim our place in the world. While the male make his place in the world, the female creates a nurturing community safe under his protection, creating the balance of polar opposites. In essence, we will learn how to balance the power of both the masculine and feminine in our life.
Don't hesitate to contact me if you have questions about the Portal series. For details on this Workshop, please click here.
Coyote Portal Fast Approaching!
Hello Everyone!
Just a quick note to say that the Coyote Portal Workshop is just a week away! It's Friday August 23rd in the evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday until 5pm. We have just a few spots left--if you were interested and would like to come, please let me know. Click here to view the flyer.
Coyote is the fun loving, mischievous trickster, who is also family oriented, and a shape shifter. I am REALLY looking forward to knowing Coyote better and learning the tools to be able to step into Coyote consciousness at will. And apparently this workshop feels like a weekend-long party. Who wouldn't want that??
If you've had an interest in shamanism, but do not want to commit to a full wheel, or needed an introduction this is a nice way to go. You will learn great skills without needing any prerequisites, and each workshop, although in a series, stands alone. Please reach out if you have questions. Click here to learn more.
Much love,
Elaine
Coyote Portal in August; Can an Empath Learn to not Take Life so Seriously?
Hello Everyone!
I hope you are enjoying your summer! Thank you to everyone who recently signed up for my email list after listening to the Integrated Empath Summit. I appreciate your interest in my work! I will be returning in a few days from summer break, and I'm looking forward to getting back to my practie.
I've been excited over the past year to host my shaman mentor, Marv Harwood, and his wife, Shanon for the Raven portal last year, the Buffalo Portal this past March, and now the Coyote Portal this coming August. Raven taught us how to access Timelessness to heal our regrets and worries, Buffalo taught us how to stand strong in the face of opposition, and now Coyote teaches us how to not take life so seriously.
Shanon described the Coyote Portal as one long weekend party. Given that my husband and I just celebrated our 50th birthdays, we thought that holding the Coyote Portal next would be appropriate to keep the celebrating going.
Now that I've been to two Portals, you'd think that it would be easy to describe and advertise for these workshops, but they are so experiential that I am still finding it a challenge! I know that saying, "Come, and find out for yourself," isn't very helpful, but it actually does apply, you will build your own personal relationship with the animal emissary.
For many of us Empaths, we tend to take what happens to us very personally, and that in turn leads to us being serious and sometimes being melancholy. Learning how to not take life so seriously becomes a life skill and a life line. We Empaths can identify with being sad because we tend to focus on what is lacking in our lives. On the one hand this is helpful because we know exactly what we want to fix and what we would like to create. On the other hand, being in that emotional state much of the time can be hard on our systems, which in turn robs us of our vitality.
Imagine learning simple tools that involve both body movements and music that would allow you to shift out of that state and into a new state at will whenever you needed an extra boost. This is what these Portals workshops offer--tangible tools that shift us immediately and experientially into the mythic and out of the emotional. Imagine being able to shift into the sweetness of life, the fun of life, and maybe experience some mischievousness as well. Coyote is ready and willing, as your ally, to offer you this skill.
The wonderful aspect about these Portals workshops is that there are no pre-requisities, they can be taken in any order, and they stand alone. In contrast, many series need to be taken in order, and a medicine wheel needs to be completed or else we can get "stuck" in one direction. The tools you learn in the Portals workshop are yours for life, to use and deepen as you wish.
If you have been interested in shamanic training, but are hesitant to commit to a program, this is an excellent way to see if this work is right for you. If you are an experienced shaman and interested in learning from a new tradition, Marv and Shanon are two of the few who were given permission by the elders to teach in the Blackfoot Tradition. They have been teaching and in practice for decades; you will be in good hands.
Here are a few words from Marv and Shanon:
Throughout the ages, Shaman have walked many paths - all leading to "Portals".
Portals are Shamanic gateways to worlds beyond our consciousness;
worlds where true healing exists and miracles happen.
Come walk the animistic and the energetic paths in tandem to amass the
knowledge and skills to create an Amopistaan - your personal animistic mesa.
This in-depth series of 9 seminars (portals) is an on-going program of theory & practical hands-on work.
The portals are designed to facilitate the successful assimilation of information and skills presented.
As the student gains and demonstrates proficiency they will be given rites of passage at each level.
Come and play with the fun-loving, mischievous trickster known as Coyote and get to know a surprising new
side of him. See what this adaptable, family oriented shape-shifter has to offer to you and your life!
The "Portals" Series is open to everyone. No pre-requisites are required for any of the individual seminars.
You may attend them in any order, at any of our teaching locations. Welcome to the journey!
Please do not hesitate to contact me for more information. I am happy to chat on the phone to answer questions about the workshop.
WORKSHOP DATES: August 23-25th, $399
Friday Registration 4:30-5pm, Friday Class 5pm-9pm
Saturday 9am-8pm
Sunday 9am-5pm
at the Multnomah Arts Center in Multnomah Village, Portland, Oregon.
My interview airs this Friday! And Portals Workshop August 23-25th
Hello Everyone!
I hope you are enjoying the end of the school year and the beginning of the summer holidays! Just a reminder that my interview with Karyn Kulenovic airs this Friday through the weekend; if you haven't signed up yet please click here. Karyn has interviewed 18 Empath experts, and you can listen for free, with a replay of all the interviews the last weekend of June.
In my interview I talk about animal archetypes and how we can build an individual relationship with these archetypes to help us in our daily lives. I have hosted two of these workshops here in Portland, first for Raven, and recently in March for Buffalo. Our next animal archetype workshop is the weekend of August 23rd for Coyote. Coyote teaches us how to not take life so seriously. Supposedly this workshop feels like a big party all weekend. I am so looking forward to it! If you are interested, don't hesitate to contact me for more details.
much love,
Elaine
Drama and Stepping into Timelessness
Hello Everyone!It is very strange to me that August is already here, and ironic since at the end of the month I am hosting a workshop all about stepping into Timelessness. Time seems to have sped up for many of us with all our obligations and our busy lives. Stepping into Timelessness isn't just useful for relieving ourselves from the busy-ness of life, it is also useful for stepping out of Drama.We Empaths can get stirred up with our own internal Drama after we've made a decision, especially if the decision is a firm No to someone who is stuck in Drama themselves. I had the opportunity recently to work with a client who was prone to Drama, and then to see how stepping into Timelessness can stop the Drama right in Its tracks.My client had been in a years-long friendship with another Empath who happened to be stuck in Victim. This person had managed to blow little innocent incidents into hurtful, unnecessary Dramas with various people in her life. After one incident too many involving my client's spouse, my client and her spouse finally and firmly ended the relationship. Of course, her friend found her unreasonable and unforgiving, and since this friend was stuck in Victim, considered my client a Bully and attacked her verbally. All her own Shadow issues of jealousy and envy had been projected onto my client in one vicious last swoop. My client already knew these issues were in play, but had hoped her friend had managed to get control of it and would take responsibility. But this friend didn't. It was easy to see that this friend was dangerously carrying around a metaphorical loaded shotgun, and was unconscious to the harm she did to others firing it off whenever her own stuff was triggered. My client was relieved to let the friendship end, and she was also surprised by how free she felt afterwards. (This is a typical feeling once we've given up a vampire relationship.)Predictably the former friend wanted to repair the relationship, and she contacted my client once or twice. My client very wisely ignored her. She simply wasn't interested anymore--her freedom, and the relief of friends around her was too valuable. (She didn't realize how much discomfort this friend had been causing in other lives until they confided in her afterwards.)Naturally the Victim friend pulled in a Rescuer who was identified with Rescuing women who had put themselves in dire straights. This Rescuer was doing his personal work so he could become an energyworker himself. However, like many people who feel called to the healing arts, he had to work on his tendency to Rescue, and on his identification with being a Light Worker. As many of you know from reading my blog and my books, shaman are not Light Workers. Shaman can help assist others in owning the projections of their Shadows so that they can create lives that they want instead of what they create out of their Shadows. My client had the talent of being the social glue for people she loved, so excluding anyone from her life was very hard for her to do, which was of course why she allowed this former friendship to continue for so long in the first place. The former friend was missing out on community events my client hosted on a regular basis. The Rescuer saw this and wanted to help. He contacted my client and told her that this relationship was in need of deep healing, and if she was willing to do the work, then this former friend could be included once again. Luckily for my client she saw the Rescue right away and didn't turn into a Bully and lambast him for interfering where he didn't belong. She simply told him that No, she wasn't interested, and in fact there were others that would be negatively affected too, and she didn't want to lose their company either, so No. The Rescuer in this situation was very disappointed--he unconsciously thought to not only Rescue the former friend who held the Victim story, but to Rescue the friendship as well. He thought that of course if you are doing your personal work, all relationships could be healed. (This is a very common faulty belief.)For my client she found the incident amusing at first, because she knew this man was working hard on his Rescuer tendency, but she had also taken on the Rescuer's surprise and disappointment at her firm No. (Remember, if you are stuck in Rescuer, it's hard to see others clearly--everyone is either a Victim or a Bully.) In her head she started defending herself and her position, she started going over what exactly had happened in the past to cause her to break off the relationship with the Victim, she started getting annoyed and angry at the Rescuer for breaking boundaries and approaching her when he didn't even know her. In short, she spun out into her own internal Drama--internal because she was wise enough not to act on it, but she was suffering anyway. (If you are an Empath, you understand our tendency to slip into this type of suffering.)The solution for her was to do a sandpainting and let Mother Earth transform it, and then she stepped into Timelessness. Sitting next to her sandpainting, a hummingbird came and hovered in front of her face for a few moments, reminding her to step outside of time, drink only from the deepest nectar of life, and remember that life is in these precious nows. Then the Drama was done, and she could laugh at the situation again. Every person has their Shadow to work on--she could go back to being compassionate to everyone involved, including herself, without having to get back into a literal relationship with anyone stuck in Drama. What a relief!If you related to this story, and you would like to learn how to step into Timelessness, there is still time (haha!) to register for the Raven Portal Workshop taught by my mentor, Marv Harwood, and his wife, Shanon in Portland from Friday evening August 24th through Sunday the 26th. Just contact me or visit the homepage of my website: www.elainelajoie.commuch love,Elaine
My interview with Karyn Kulenovic is Live for the next 72 hours
Hello Everyone,My interview with Karyn Kulenovic is available starting today for the next 72 hours! I hope you enjoy. Just click here to sign up and listen. In case you miss my interview this weekend, the series will replay for free at the end of the Summit.The interviews for the Integrated Empath Master Class are all free, but you can purchase the series to keep. If you do I will earn a small commission, which I gratefully appreciate!Enjoy!Elaine
Elaine's Privacy Policy, and the 2nd Empath Summit Masterclass Begins Today!
Hello Everyone,Just a reminder that The Integrated Empath Summit hosted by Karyn Kulenovic starts today, June 1st! Each interview will be live for 72 hours, so even if you didn't have a chance to listen today, there is still time over the weekend. My interview goes live on Saturday the 9th. Karyn interviewed me about Shamanic Energy Work and how it can change the lives of Empaths, especially around trauma. I hope you will tune in, especially if you have had questions about Shamanic Work and whether it would be a good fit for you. The Summit runs through June 18th, and it is FREE! My interview airs on Saturday the 9th. To sign up please click HERE. (This is a referral link, which means that if you click on it and then purchase the whole series to keep forever, I will earn a small commission, which I greatly appreciate.)As many of you know, the EU has passed a law that recently went into effect requiring those of us that have EU subscribers and clients to post a privacy policy describing what is done with your personal data. You can view my policy by clicking here. At any time you may also unsubscribe from my list by clicking the unsubscribe link in the emails I send you, or by emailing me directly.Thanks so much everyone, and I hope you enjoy the Empath Summit,much love,Elaine
Elaine's Interview Airs Saturday June 9th!
Hi Everyone,It's hard for me to believe, but it's already time for the second season of The Integrated Empath Summit hosted by Karyn Kulenovic! Karyn interviewed me about Shamanic Energy Work and how it can change the lives of Empaths, especially around trauma. I hope you will tune in, especially if you have had questions about Shamanic Work and whether it would be a good fit for you.The Summit includes interviews from 28 experts and is especially geared for Empaths. It begins June 1st and runs through June 18th, and it is FREE! My interview airs on Saturday the 9th. To sign up please click HERE. (This is a referral link, which means that if you click on it and then purchase the whole series to keep forever, I will earn a small commission, which I greatly appreciate.)I'm also excited to report that I will be returning to a regular schedule in the fall, which means a new book should be available in 2019 and I may also be taking more clients and writing more blog posts.Stay tuned--my mentor Marv Harwood, and his wife, Shanon, of the Kimmapii School of Shamanism are coming to Portland at the end of August to teach a weekend workshop, no prerequisites required. More information to come soon. Until then I hope to see you at the Empath Summit!much love,Elaine
Elaine's News: Interview airs on the 3rd, new email list
Hello Everyone,I just wanted to let my readers know that I've just moved over from Feedburner to a new email software called MailPoet. Please bear with me as I work out the kinks.It's been a big year. Some of you may know that I took a break from shamanic work to concentrate on writing another book. However, my life took an unexpected turn with a move, and with withdrawing my child from school to do independent study this past year. It's been a challenging yet fun year seeing my son thrive in an out-of-the-box environment, but it's left me very little time to write or to take clients. I hope to be back in the writing routine soon.In the midst of adjusting to this new lifestyle, I had an opportunity to talk to another Empath about my work that I had put on hold. Karyn Kulenovic asked if I was willing to be interviewed as an expert for her Integrated Empath Summit. She had read my books and wanted me to speak about the Empath and relationships, especially around the Drama Triangle, the Rescuer Role and how Empaths can attract narcissists. The experience reminded me of why I went into coaching and then later became a shaman. Helping others learn how to empower themselves is so satisfying. In speaking with Karyn, I realized that I had forgotten how much I knew about the subject, and how satisfying it is to do this work. I had so much fun in this interview!Karyn has interviewed 22 Empath experts. You can listen to all 22 interviews for free. Two interviews per day will air beginning June 1st. Mine airs on June 3rd. You also have the option to purchase all the interviews at the end of the summit. If you are interested, you can register here. In talking to Karyn I realized that I had great case studies for a book on the Empath and romantic relationships. I'm really looking forward to sharing these with you. Thank you for your support!Elaine
Listen to Elaine's interview on the Integrated Empath Summit, June 3rd
Hello Beautiful Souls!I'm very excited to announce that I will appear as one of the experts on Karyn Kulenovic's Integrated Empath Summit. My interview goes live on June 3rd, and you can listen to all 21 expert interviews for free. Just click here to sign up. My interview concentrates mostly on relationships, especially with narcissists, the Drama Triangle, and shamanic energy work. I hope you will check it out.much love,Elaine
The Empath, Narcissist, and Favors
I’ve had a few questions around situations in which a relationship with a narcissist has ended, and ended badly, and lo and behold, a few months later, or even years later, the narcissist makes a request for a special favor despite all that had gone before. Clients come back to me stirred up, old wounds uncovered, resentment brewing once again. How can this person have requested a favor; what the heck is wrong with the narcissist? Empaths must remember that if we are healthy we tend to understand how a person is feeling, and we tend to respect boundaries, so we naturally do not ask favors of those people who have told us to go away. When we are healthy we understand that our feelings and needs are just as important as others’ feelings and needs. But for the narcissist, the narcissist simply cannot see anyone in their lives as important as themselves. The narcissist simply doesn’t care how other people are feeling. It is the narcissist’s feelings, needs, and requests that are important. Everything else takes second place to the narcissist. If you have read my book on the Fan-Hero Family System, you are familiar with the Enneagram Type Three, which I like to call the Hero. When the Hero is emotionally dissociated, the Hero usually starts behaving as a narcissist. While the healthy Hero is in pursuit of self-improvement and acts as an inspiration to others, the unhealthy Hero believes in the image he has of himself and of others in his life, and tries to protect that image even at the expense of others and in direct contradiction of reality. In the Fan-Hero Family System book I described the adult son of a Hero who broke off contact with his narcissist father because his father could not treat him or his family in a way that wasn’t damaging and hurtful. The son, my client, had explained to his father that his father seemed incapable of seeing that there were problems in the relationship, and therefore no change could occur. Unless those changes happened, my client couldn’t afford the negativity and crazy-making behavior from his father in his life. My client asked for no visits, and no contact unless the behavior was addressed. Basically since his father was incapable of even admitting there was a problem between them, the relationship was over for my client, even though the narcissist father wanted the relationship. As you can imagine, this breakdown of the father-son relationship was extremely hard on my client. It had taken him years of hard work to become clear enough about his family to see what was really going on, and to see how shallow many of the family relationships were. In his family, like with many unhealthy Fan-Hero Families, he was expected to serve the family and the image. He was a support person, not the person who should get the attention and glory, which always goes to the Hero. His wife had been punished because she had seen what the dynamic was, and then his children had been neglected and ignored. On one level my client had allowed this to happen, which had caused him major grief within his marriage. On another level, this was the set up of his family, so once he did his personal work he was able to release himself from these contracts and behave as the man he always wanted to be. His marriage repaired itself, and his children were free of any generational contracts from his side of the family. He knew he had been lucky to escape, and he only regretted that it had taken him so long. A year after he had ended his relationship with his father he received a letter from him asking for help. His father wanted to remove his son from his will so he could give that money to his current wife, who was likely to outlive him. His father had mismanaged his money, and wanted to fix the problem this way, but didn’t want to do so without his son’s approval. My client, who had assumed no inheritance was coming anyway, was angered by this intrusion and had the urge to write back to his father and tell him to jump in a lake. He was surprised that his wife found the letter hilarious—she encouraged him to not respond at all. While my client ended up deciding not to respond to his father’s request, it was a good opportunity to look at the mind and motivations of the narcissist, especially the unhealthy Hero type Narcissist. While a healthy person would feel extreme shame and embarrassment at writing such a letter, the narcissist has no problem with this sort of request because he is too emotionally dissociated to feel uncomfortable feelings of shame and of embarrassment. He doesn’t have that natural check in place that the rest of us have, which is the main benefit of being able to feel and to handle our uncomfortable emotions. Because the narcissist only considers himself, he doesn’t consider what effect writing such a letter would have on his son, or even on his wife for that matter. He is only fixated on getting his own needs met, which is to have enough money in his bank account so that his young wife won’t go back to work and possibly leave him in his old age. Also notice that in this case the narcissist also avoids responsibility for his mismanagement of money and for the ensuing consequences by asking his son to give him his approval. By making it a joint decision he doesn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for his actions. The narcissist also doesn’t see that his letter simply reinforces his son’s conclusion that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. He doesn’t see or care that he makes it appear that his wife has only married him for his money. Another point Empaths don’t realize is that the Narcissist can make such a request because he has nothing to lose. Since he doesn’t feel uncomfortable like most people would, there is no cost in asking for a favor. Either way, he wins. In this particular case, the narcissist wins no matter how my client responded. The narcissist can tell himself that he did his best in contacting his son if his son doesn’t respond, and it’s his son’s fault for not helping him. He wins if his son contacts him and says go ahead since he can then share responsibility for fixing his mismanagement of his money. He can tell his wife that his son knows about the change in the will, too, so she won’t feel like she’s imposing on the father-son relationship. But he also wins if his son says no because he can tell his wife that his son cares more about the money than her financial security. In all three cases the narcissist avoids responsibility, can transfer blame, and also lightens any emotional discomfort that may be pushing through his repression. While my client was angry, and while he understood on a whole new level how deep the narcissism ran in his family, he was grateful he had already ended the relationship with his father. If he hadn’t done his personal work and had still been in contact with his father, he would have had to deal with his father’s financial problems. It would have been enough to end the relationship at that point, but then his father could blame the ensuing rift on his son’s attachment to money, rather than deal with the cleaner break my client had made months before. The narcissist’s behavior isn’t surprising here, even though many Empaths are revolted and baffled by such behavior. Narcissists have no compunction asking for favors that benefit them to the detriment or discomfort of the people around them. If you are in relationship with a narcissist, keep this in mind. A narcissist is too wounded to be able to care about you as you care about him. He is simply incapable of doing so. He may say he loves you, but remember that his love for you is secondary to his own needs and feelings. Staying in a close relationship with such a person without keeping this fact in mind can lead to deep hurt and betrayal. Don’t expect a narcissist to treat you as you would treat him—that simply misses the point of what it means to be a narcissist.
The Empath, the Narcissist, and Favors
I’ve had a few questions around situations in which a relationship with a narcissist has ended, and ended badly, and lo and behold, a few months later, or even years later, the narcissist makes a request for a special favor despite all that had gone before. Clients come back to me stirred up, old wounds uncovered, resentment brewing once again. How can this person have requested a favor; what the heck is wrong with the narcissist? Empaths must remember that if we are healthy we tend to understand how a person is feeling, and we tend to respect boundaries, so we naturally do not ask favors of those people who have told us to go away. When we are healthy we understand that our feelings and needs are just as important as others’ feelings and needs. But for the narcissist, the narcissist simply cannot see anyone in their lives as important as themselves. The narcissist simply doesn’t care how other people are feeling. It is the narcissist’s feelings, needs, and requests that are important. Everything else takes second place to the narcissist.If you have read my book on the Fan-Hero Family System, you are familiar with the Enneagram Type Three, which I like to call the Hero. When the Hero is emotionally dissociated, the Hero usually starts behaving as a narcissist. While the healthy Hero is in pursuit of self-improvement and acts as an inspiration to others, the unhealthy Hero believes in the image he has of himself and of others in his life, and tries to protect that image even at the expense of others and in direct contradiction of reality. In the Fan-Hero Family System book I described the adult son of a Hero who broke off contact with his narcissist father because his father could not treat him or his family in a way that wasn’t damaging and hurtful. The son, my client, had explained to his father that his father seemed incapable of seeing that there were problems in the relationship, and therefore no change could occur. Unless those changes happened, my client couldn’t afford the negativity and crazy-making behavior from his father in his life. My client asked for no visits, and no contact unless the behavior was addressed. Basically since his father was incapable of even admitting there was a problem between them, the relationship was over for my client, even though the narcissist father wanted the relationship.As you can imagine, this breakdown of the father-son relationship was extremely hard on my client. It had taken him years of hard work to become clear enough about his family to see what was really going on, and to see how shallow many of the family relationships were. In his family, like with many unhealthy Fan-Hero Families, he was expected to serve the family and the image. He was a support person, not the person who should get the attention and glory, which always goes to the Hero. His wife had been punished because she had seen what the dynamic was, and then his children had been neglected and ignored. On one level my client had allowed this to happen, which had caused him major grief within his marriage. On another level, this was the set up of his family, so once he did his personal work he was able to release himself from these contracts and behave as the man he always wanted to be. His marriage repaired itself, and his children were free of any generational contracts from his side of the family. He knew he had been lucky to escape, and he only regretted that it had taken him so long.A year after he had ended his relationship with his father he received a letter from him asking for help. His father wanted to remove his son from his will so he could give that money to his current wife, who was likely to outlive him. His father had mismanaged his money, and wanted to fix the problem this way, but didn’t want to do so without his son’s approval. My client, who had assumed no inheritance was coming anyway, was angered by this intrusion and had the urge to write back to his father and tell him to jump in a lake. He was surprised that his wife found the letter hilarious—she encouraged him to not respond at all. While my client ended up deciding not to respond to his father’s request, it was a good opportunity to look at the mind and motivations of the narcissist, especially the unhealthy Hero type Narcissist.While a healthy person would feel extreme shame and embarrassment at writing such a letter, the narcissist has no problem with this sort of request because he is too emotionally dissociated to feel uncomfortable feelings of shame and of embarrassment. He doesn’t have that natural check in place that the rest of us have, which is the main benefit of being able to feel and to handle our uncomfortable emotions. Because the narcissist only considers himself, he doesn’t consider what effect writing such a letter would have on his son, or even on his wife for that matter. He is only fixated on getting his own needs met, which is to have enough money in his bank account so that his young wife won’t go back to work and possibly leave him in his old age. Also notice that in this case the narcissist also avoids responsibility for his mismanagement of money and for the ensuing consequences by asking his son to give him his approval. By making it a joint decision he doesn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for his actions. The narcissist also doesn’t see that his letter simply reinforces his son’s conclusion that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. He doesn’t see or care that he makes it appear that his wife has only married him for his money. Another point Empaths don't realize is that the Narcissist can make such a request because he has nothing to lose. Since he doesn't feel uncomfortable like most people would, there is no cost in asking for a favor. Either way, he wins. In this particular case, the narcissist wins no matter how my client responded. The narcissist can tell himself that he did his best in contacting his son if his son doesn't respond, and it's his son's fault for not helping him. He wins if his son contacts him and says go ahead since he can then share responsibility for fixing his mismanagement of his money. He can tell his wife that his son knows about the change in the will, too, so she won't feel like she's imposing on the father-son relationship. But he also wins if his son says no because he can tell his wife that his son cares more about the money than her financial security. In all three cases the narcissist avoids responsibility, can transfer blame, and also lightens any emotional discomfort that may be pushing through his repression.While my client was angry, and while he understood on a whole new level how deep the narcissism ran in his family, he was grateful he had already ended the relationship with his father. If he hadn’t done his personal work and had still been in contact with his father, he would have had to deal with his father’s financial problems. It would have been enough to end the relationship at that point, but then his father could blame the ensuing rift on his son’s attachment to money, rather than deal with the cleaner break my client had made months before. The narcissist’s behavior isn’t surprising here, even though many Empaths are revolted and baffled by such behavior. Narcissists have no compunction asking for favors that benefit them to the detriment or discomfort of the people around them. If you are in relationship with a narcissist, keep this in mind. A narcissist is too wounded to be able to care about you as you care about him. He is simply incapable of doing so. He may say he loves you, but remember that his love for you is secondary to his own needs and feelings. Staying in a close relationship with such a person without keeping this fact in mind can lead to deep hurt and betrayal. Don’t expect a narcissist to treat you as you would treat him—that simply misses the point of what it means to be a narcissist.
The Friends and Family Trap
Recently I had several people tell me that they couldn't possibly set limits on a relationship because the person causing trouble was a long time friend or was a family member. Even though my clients and friends were mistreated and this mistreatment was nothing new, they all felt that they had to put up with this behavior in order to consider themselves kind, loving, and tolerant people.Tolerating bad behavior with the assertion that it is loving and kind is neither kind nor loving toward the self or to the other person. The person who does this not only says, "Yes, treat me like dirt," but also says to the culprit, "Yes, your behavior is completely acceptable and you should keep it up. This is how our relationship works."Is this really what friends and family do for each other? Some family and some friends, apparently. But this does not mean that it is healthy to tolerate such behavior. Yes, everyone is flawed, yes, everyone has bad days, yes, everyone acts at their worst when under stress. I am not talking about the flawed person who works on themselves to make their impact on others the best that it can be but blows it on occasion. I am talking about people who have no interest in taking responsibility for themselves and the impact they have on others.These are the selfish people that we are told by colluding family and friends that we must accept for being where they are. Sure, accept them, but Don't Hang Out With Them. DON'T make them your intimate partner. Don't think you have to be with them in order to be a loving, spiritual person. That is the Rescuer Trap in full force! Instead, set boundaries so that you are not so affected by their toxic behavior. Instead go find people that can express that love and kindness to the degree that you can. Find people who have grown as much as you have in self-love and self-worth. Welcome into your tribe those that understand the difference between self-absorption and self-knowledge.The Rescuer Role assumes unconsciously that we are better than others. The Rescuer assumes that the other person in the relationship is so flawed that he/she deserves special treatment and excuses. The Rescuer unconsciously sees the other person as a Victim. If we finally decide to leave a situation that is draining or toxic to us, the Guilt Tripping starts, and we are told (and we believe) we are bad people for taking care of ourselves. We are selfish and unloving, and even unspiritual for being so cruel to the Victim! The Rescuer Role and Drama is reinforced.Step off the Drama Triangle. That means looking at the other person in the relationship and seeing them as capable of change as you are. That means looking at them as having had made choices in life to get them where they are at. That means looking at the standard that you hold for yourself and only choosing people with similar standards to be close to you. The key here is the freedom to choose. If you had free choice, is this what you would choose for yourself? Choice limits us. We human beings have limited time and energy. If we choose people we don't like, who drain us, who annoy and anger us, then we don't have room for people who uplift us, make us smile, and inspire us. Not only that, but in these toxic situations if we choose to not set healthy limits, we are also choosing to collude in keeping up the other person in an unhealthy state.
How Does the Shaman View Chronic Health Issues?
Hello Everyone and Happy New Year!I had a question a few days ago regarding health and what my perspective as a shaman was. Mary asked, "These days with our polluted industrialized unnatural ways of living, it seems that many new illnesses have come forth such as autism, MS, chemical sensitivities, gene mutations, cancer, etc. Thus, these physical things are deemed causes of illness. Most alternative doctors are focused mostly on detoxing and strengthening the physical body. But what happens if people continue to be ill and dysfunctional despite doing all the right things? Some say that all (physical) illness starts "in the mind", and that ultimately, the way to heal is with healing the mind (emotions), and/or spiritual. How does the shaman see chronic physical health problems? Do you feel that we can separate the causes of illness? Emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, or is everything truly connected? We have all heard stories about people who did not even do anything different on the physical level, yet something in their body healed on it's own....(a miracle happened, which some say, if a shift in perception). What is your perspective?"This is a great question. One thing that I think our western view of medicine has not caught up to yet is this idea of the mind-body connection, as if the mind was separate from the body and visaversa. The way I see the body, there is no mind-body connection because there is no separation. Our physical bodies are encased in our emotional/mental body, which is encased in our mythic/soul body, with in turn is encased in the energetic body, (and some healers can see several layers in that body as well.) An injury at one level effects everything else. The energetic body isn't just an outer shell--it goes through all the bodies, and the soul body goes through the mental/emotional body and physical body. In other words while it might be helpful to think of these bodies as nested shells, they really aren't.If you have an injury at one level, it will at some point show through at the other levels. If you have a cancer that starts at the energetic or the mythic level from soul loss, you may be able to surgically remove it at the physical level, but if it is not treated at the mythic level, it can recur. If you come into your body with an injury from a previous lifetime or from a family imprint, it could be set up at the mental/emotional level as mental illness or a physical problem. Their is no one-size fits all to these health issues. Each person is different! And of course, if you eat terrible food and breathe in polluted air, that is going to hurt your physical body and perhaps start hurting you at the mental/emotional as well. If you endure a terrible tragedy on the emotional level, this can cause a deep imprint at the mythic level. It simply all depends.Of course, we must take responsibility for our health and our healing, and yet we need to be realistic and gentle with ourselves as well. I've had several clients come to me and tell me they've created their cancer or other chronic illness. Our system is simply too complicated to assume that. Yes, there are cases in which a person can shift at the mythic and energetic levels and their physical problem goes away completely. That is wonderful, and that is real. However, with many chronic health problems, telling ourselves we've done it to ourselves isn't always helpful.My take on health is to look at how I am doing at the physical, emotional/mental, mythic, and energetic levels, and treat myself well. Am I eating right? Am I getting the exercise my body likes? Am I limiting my exposure to environmental toxins? Am I hanging out with people that make me happy and inspired rather than irritate me and drain me? Am I limiting my intake of bad collective news that I can do nothing about? Am I able to be at the mythic/sacred level without anything in the way? (If not then I go to my shaman for some work) Am I up to date on keeping my living space clear energetically? Am I unentangled in my relationships? All of these will affect our health, and deserve attention.On top of this I am an Empath so I need to be extra careful about taking on the vibration of friends and family that I am very close to when I am worried about them or when they are ill. Some of you have heard about how I developed gall stones when my father did, and how those miraculously disappeared after he had surgery. Most Empaths tend to process emotional overwhelm on the physical level--we can help ourselves out by putting that extra emotional energy into a sandpainting. We can create better boundaries with our loved ones by building altars around the relationship. Empaths can also tune into the collective and make themselves chronically ill as well. We have a few more challenges than non-Empaths to deal with!So, yes, health is complicated. Mary, if you are suffering from chronic issues, and you are an Empath, you want to make sure that energetically you are fully "in" your physical body. Many Empaths aren't. For that you will need to go to a shaman or another energy healer that can help you get all the way in. Sometimes this happens because of a hard birth experience. When we aren't fully in our bodies, other vibrations can start taking up partial residence. Those will need to be evicted so to speak. Again, a shaman can help you with that. I'm going to assume that you are taking care of your physical issues by seeing good doctors that you trust, and that you are taking good care of your emotional health by making sure your relationships are healthy and supportive. If not, find those trusted health professionals and also a good therapist! Eat the best food you can afford, treat yourself as kindly as possible. Look at yourself from these different levels of reality and get the best medicine that you can afford. I hope that makes a difference in your health and happiness!much love,Elaine
The Empath and Emotional Responsibility; Taking Right Action
Hello Everyone,
As I've spoken about in my book on the Archetypal Drama Triangle, Empaths can get into trouble when we blame our emotional state on someone else. We can use our unhappy emotional state as the justification for bullying or attacking another person. While this can seem justified it is never a creative action, and it always serves to spread the negativity in a wider circle.
I had this experience myself over the past week. For the first time I received negative reviews on my books I have published through Amazon, first in the UK and then in the US. In one case, the reader decided to start with Volume Four on Shadow Work, and of course couldn't understand the book since important concepts necessary to understanding Shadow Work were introduced in the first three books. Instead of taking responsibility for a poor choice, the reader blamed me and gave my book a bad review. Similarly another reader bought all five books but for whatever reason read the last book first, became depressed, and then gave all the books a bad review while admitting to not reading them.
Unfortunately this sort of behavior is typical for those of us as yet unwilling to take responsibility for our emotional state. In both cases these readers not only blamed me for their unhappiness but attacked me for it. If only they had read the first book! :-)
More interestingly for me was watching myself deal with my first negative reviews. I of course felt unhappy, angry, misrepresented, and attacked, and as an Empath I felt this keenly. The important point for me, though, was to not turn my emotional state on these reviewers, on myself or on the people around me. I could have handled my emotional state irresponsibly by being short with my family members, by telling myself I should give up my work, or by attacking the reviewers. Empaths tend to want to withdraw when dealt criticism, especially unfair criticism. I had to face that feeling, remind myself that my writing has helped far more people than I even know, and then I needed to share my experience with people that I trusted. After doing so, the feelings passed and I was able to let that situation go with the inspiration for a Right Action. I decided to move forward with putting all my books into one large volume instead of waiting to do so until the next two books are complete. In this way no one could be confused as to what to read first. (I hope to have this volume published some time in May)
Anyone who puts their work out there is bound to be attacked in this fashion, especially from people who do not take the risk to put their creativity out in the world. Theodore Roosevelt ignored these attacks from people who were not "in the Arena." On an objective, logical level I know these reviews are not important, I know they show the state of the reviewer and not my work, and I know that in a few days I'll forget about it. However, for Empaths this type of attack is much harder to shrug off than for the non-Empath. We need to give ourselves a break for our emotional state and but not pass our crankiness on like these reviewers did. We need to go to our support system and ask for support. I also pampered myself, did a sandpainting, had a salt bath, and vented to trusted family and friends. I did this over the past few days and felt restored, validated (Empaths love validation) and ready to move forward again.
I write this post to make two important points. If a feeling arises that is uncomfortable, try to examine it before acting on it. If it is obvious that it is the other person's issue, like the response from these reviewers, do what it takes to take care of yourself so that you can shrug off the negativity without hurting yourself or the people around you. See if there's a Right Action to take, like my deciding to put all my writing into one volume, that will make the experience into a positive, life affirming one. Then slather thanks and gratitude on your support system.
Secondly, what would have happened if the reviewer who became depressed by reading my family system book had taken responsibility for his emotions? Instead of disliking and attacking me personally, the responsible action is to look at what is the true source of the depression, sadness, and ensuing anger, which has to come from something within that reviewer. Stop before shooting the messenger and look instead for the wound that needs healing. These actions are the heart of Shadow Work. This is what makes Shadow Work difficult and confusing. It seems like the other person is to blame, but it is really an opportunity always to look within.
As a final request, if my books have helped you on your own journey, please consider writing a favorable review. I would appreciate the love and support. Thank you.
much love,
Elaine
The Empath and the Narcissist
Lately I have had questions from readers about how to deal with a narcissist. Empaths are confused by this relationship because the narcissist tends to mimic an Empath, and before the Empath knows it, the Empath is ensnared in a relationship she thought was real and equal and now cannot find a way out. What has happened, and why is this relationship so draining?It's important to realize that all people when their wounds are triggered have a tendency to become narcissistic. We focus on our pain and our emotions, becoming self-absorbed and less aware of the effect our actions and words have on the people around us. What this means is that Empaths can be narcissists, too. However, once we get out of a Victim stance and we start taking responsibility for our emotional state, we tend to behave narcissistically less often. We have grown ourselves out of the trap of the narcissist. What is this trap?From what I have seen in my practice and my personal experience, the narcissist has a core wound that makes him or her feel unlovable and worthless. However, this wound and the belief is buried so deep that it is completely unconscious. To compensate and to not feel this pain, they over-achieve, they become know-it-alls, and/or they build up a facade that allows them to feel good about themselves. Feeling good is all they can allow or else they will access that deep pain. Many narcissists will sacrifice just about anything and anybody to avoid facing such pain. Such a person is unlikely to be able to do his work in order to heal because they are avoiding that core pain.I have written an article (See The Emotionally Dissociated Hero) on one type of narcissist that the Empath tends to find fascinating. I have also written a book on the type of family that tends to support and collude with the narcissist called the Fan-Hero Family System. The book goes in depth into how this type of narcissist tends to function, and I recommend it for any Empath who is trying to recover from a relationship with such a person. However, the most important point for the Empath to understand so that they can avoid this relationship is the Empath's own tendency to need to be the special, bonded one in another person's life.The narcissist uses this need to manipulate the Empath. The Emotionally Dissociated Hero uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the Hero's life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship. Empaths, as you can already imagine, are great support people. We will listen to the Hero's story, we will help the Hero with his projects, and if we haven't healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world. The blind spot for Empaths to watch out for is our unconscious belief that going deep and seeing the inner world of another is the best way to bond. It is unhealthy to bond to an unhealthy person!The Hero unconsciously knows about the Empath's need to bond. The Hero knows what to say and how to behave, but all of it is just an act. The Hero draws the Empath in, the Empath thinks she is having a great relationship, and then the confusion begins. What has happened? Why does this relationship that seemed so real at first now feel so weird and draining?Heroes are usually charming, attractive people, they know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their Hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness. The Hero is also a liar. He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying. The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is the Hero who is actually ill. The Hero is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath). Unfortunately, the Hero has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade. These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell of the Hero and fall for the facade. Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call the Hero on his behavior. Theses people would rather live by appearances as well.As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath. She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realization that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way. However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity. For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one. Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years. It also takes them years to recover.In the Fan-Hero Family System book I talk about an Empath and her husband who escaped from a group who both knowingly and unknowingly supported the unhealthy Heroes in the Family. This type of dynamic requires scapegoating--which means we set someone else up to take the blame and we project our unwanted feelings on to them. Of course, it is the Empath that usually becomes the scapegoat. Scapegoating is a terrible form of group lying and of avoiding reality. Most of the time it is done unconsciously, but even so, it is always incredibly painful for the scapegoat.Empaths who have lived through this and want to heal must remember that they have been badly abused and injured in the worst sort of way. The person they have bonded to has violated her trust. Understanding the hidden dynamic can be helpful, which is the main reason I wrote the Fan-Hero Family System book. However, once the understanding is there, the real challenge for Empaths is to let go of the wound and not give it another thought, another feeling, or any more energy. The narcissist involved is a sick person. The people that support him are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie. Empaths who want to live happy, full lives must embrace reality. Narcissists simply cannot. The best way to heal is to understand that the narcissist probably won't be able to heal because he must first realize he is wounded. He cannot take responsibility for himself. Empaths must accept this is the case. This situation is unfixable!The only sane action the Empath can take is to take responsibilty for her state. She can realize that she has these core beliefs about being special and about being emotionally bonded, and she can start observing how these beliefs drive her. Then she can be more choosy in her relationships. And she can be on the look out for people who avoid reality and avoid them herself.Let me know if you have questions or comments!much love,Elaine
Boundaries--the Guilt Set Up
Hi Everyone,
Lately I've been talking to other Empaths about how we are set up to tolerate behavior that is directly hurtful to us. In these relationships the Empath usually feels taken advantage of and obligated to stay in a friendship that does nothing for the Empath but the other person in the relationship expects the Empath's support and time and connection. How do we create such situations, and how can we extricate ourselves?
In my latest book, the Empath and Shadow Work, I give an example of such a situation. The Empath gets projected upon as a nurturing mother figure such that the other person in the relationship expects the Empath to take care of his emotional needs, but cannot see that his expectations are unreasonable. While the example in the book is extreme, I find that this scenario happens quite often in Empath friendships. In this case the Empath saw her friend's Shadow very clearly, but the friend was triggered and trapped in his pattern that was predictably going to lead to a relationship failure. He couldn't understand when the Empath refused to play her role in his Drama and walked away from a years long friendship.
If we are the one who is projected upon, we will feel obligated to play out our expected role. If we don't understand the set up, we can feel tremendous guilt for wanting to leave the relationship and anger for feeling obligated to stick around in a draining situation. We need to be careful to step away the Drama Triangle because it always leads to an unhappy outcome. However, not playing will also likely lead to an uncomfortable outcome as well as the other person feels abandoned, neglected, and even betrayed, and will likely attack us for that.
Their inability to understand is NOT our problem!!! Even if we explain to the other person that they need to go do their Shadow Work, they may not believe it or be willing to listen. Empaths can still feel obligated to stick around for the blinded person even after we have explained our side. Don't stick around out of obligation. That person needs to go do their personal work by first asking himself how this person that he has so trusted could decide to distance himself from the relationship. He can exercise his choice to become conscious or not, to do his work or not. We do not need to tolerate hurtful or draining or abusive behavior from anyone, including old friends and even family. We do not need to help someone indulge in their fantasy of how friendship should be.
While this assertion may seem harsh to many Empaths, it is essential to be able to exercise our right to be free of relationships that cause us harm, that are not reciprocal in deepness or understanding, and that irritate us much of the time. People with good boundaries do not feel guilty for having good boundaries. Remember that feeling guilty over leaving this kind of relationship is a set up that keeps us tied in to the other person energetically and leaves us open to psychic attacks. We are not responsible for working on a relationship to the other person's satisfaction. We get to decide what is good for us and what is too much for us.
If you see yourself as the one that has been inexplicably abandoned in the relationship, it is important to take the painful look at your own behavior, including if you have a pattern of relationship failures in which the other person walks away without enough of an explanation. If the pattern is there, your Shadow is in play and you have Shadow Work to do. The first step to healing is admitting that you have a blindspot and are creating a hurtful situation for yourself and the other person unintentionally. Then the deep and uncomfortable work can begin. If the work happens, there's a strong possibility that the original relationship can be salvaged as well.
Here's to being guilt free about setting good boundaries!
Elaine
Now Available: Fourth and Fifth Volumes of Empath as Archetype
Hello Everyone,
I'm very pleased to announce that my fourth and fifth volumes in my series, Empath as Archetype are now available on Amazon both in Kindle editions and softcovers. The fourth book, The Empath and Shadow Work, describes the shamanic concept of Shadow, and how when we do not do our Shadow Work, we tend to create the opposite of our Heart's Desires. This book is a revised version of the Pedestal Book that was for sale on my website. It also includes a new case study. If you've already bought the book through my website, you most likely do not need this version.
http://www.amazon.com/Empath-Shadow-Work-Archetype-Four/dp/1491029099
http://www.amazon.com/Empath-Shadow-Work-Archetype-ebook/dp/B00FI2FZUA
The fifth book, The Empath and the Fan-Hero Family System, describes the Shadow of a common family structure in which Empaths tend to interact. It also describes successful navigation away from this family system. This book is a revised and expanded version of the Hero-Fan Family System ebook that was for sale on my website. Once again, if you have already bought this book through my website, you probably do not need another copy unless you would like the extra essay and the softcover.
http://www.amazon.com/Empath-Fan-Hero-Family-System-Archetype/dp/1491030658
Ive' had requests for essays for Empaths on romantic relationships and partnerships, so that will be next! Thanks again everyone for your feedback and support of my work.
much love,
Elaine
The Empath and Self Sabotage
The past couple of weeks I have been working on an ebook just for the Empath and what it is like for the Empath to go on a conscious healing journey. Most of you are subscribed to my blog because you are that Empath, or you love that Empath. One trouble spot the Empath commonly encounters is self-sabotage. We have a hidden belief that we should not succeed—that our success causes others suffering, or that we will be punished if we succeed. At the same time, we have so many projects and dreams that we desperately long to pursue and manifest. We can become stuck in a double bind of longing to pursue our creative endeavors but being sure that we will fail somehow.
Where does this belief come from? As I discussed in my ebook, Empath as Archetype, many Empaths were raised by Fans (Type Six on the Enneagram.) If we were raised by an unhealthy Fan, we had to make sense of crazy-making behavior, which in turn heightened our senses, helping us to become Empathic and intuitive. However, because unhealthy Fans are motivated to distract themselves from their fears, Fans tend to act in ways that do not make sense. Fans, in an attempt to avoid consciously knowing their fear and anxiety, come up with rationalizations for their crazy-making behavior that feels off to the Empath. As a consequence, the Empath tries to make sense of the situation and creates a faulty belief.
I have been working with a client who was raised by a Fan who suffered from OCD. Her mother had to be in control so that she wouldn’t come into contact with overwhelming fear and anxiety. Whenever my client during childhood wanted to do something that her mother did not want her to do because it would make her feel anxious, her mother made sure that my client would fail in the attempt. Then her mother would blame my client for the failure, with the unconscious motivation to ensure that her daughter would not trigger her anxiety again.
As an example, when my client was twelve years old she, like many kids, wanted to make a batch of cookies all by herself. Her mother hated to have any one in the kitchen but herself. Having anyone else there making a mess, opening the refrigerator, dirtying the oven, caused her terrible anxiety. However, her mother, who knew full well that it was normal for a twelve year old to want to bake in the kitchen, could not give her daughter a real reason for saying no. (Of course, her mother could have said, “No, honey, your baking in the kitchen makes me too anxious. I know that is unreasonable, I’ll get some help as soon as I can with my fears,” but most unhealthy Fans cannot admit to being fearful. So, my client was allowed to make cookies. But in the background her mother made sure to sabotage her daughter’s cookies so the batch turned out so badly that she would never want to make another attempt.
The belief my client took away from this was, “I should have never wanted to bake cookies. I should have never had insisted. It’s because I wanted to do this so badly that it came out badly. This is my fault. Because I wanted this and made it happen, it came out all wrong.” Now, did her mother intend for her to pick up this belief system? Of course not. She just didn’t want her daughter in her kitchen. But, like most Fans, she couldn’t directly tell my client so.
Because her mother couldn’t be direct, her daughter made up a faulty belief to make sense of the situation. There is nothing unusual about kids wanting to make cookies. But her mother sabotaged her daughter’s cookie dough because her own need to ameliorate her anxiety motivated her more than her need to support and encourage her daughter’s independence. My client took away from that experience that not only was she a bad cook, but that she shouldn’t do what she longed to do. What my client should have taken away from it was that her mother was anxious and angry about letting her make the cookies. My client did not notice the sabotage—what child can fathom that their parent is setting them up for failure?
This is the terrible curse of having an unhealed wound—we have to attend to our wound and the twisted need that it creates in us at the expense of other people, even our children. This is why we must work hard and attend these unhealed patterns in ourselves so we don’t continue to hurt ourselves and others. But here is what my client took away from this interaction, which was reinforced by many interactions over childhood. She internalized the saboteur.
It is very common, in fact, it is the goal of parenting, for our children to internalize parts of us, so that those parts keep our children civilized and also inspire them to pursue their gifts. However, so many of us internalize not just the gifts, but the wounds. My client who wants to write novels, paint watercolor, learn how to hike through the backcountry, has this awful sabotuer always at the ready to smash whatever dream she longs for. If she gets on a roll, then she can be sure that she will create something to trip herself up. She no longer needs her mother to do it—she learned the lesson so well that she does it to herself. The more her Heart thinks it is fun, thinks it is expansive, thinks it's a little risky, the harder the sabotage, the more she drags her feet, the more she blames herself for wanting to make that break out of what is really her mother’s rut into her own expansion.
It is to my client’s credit that she broke out anyway. During her teenagehood she had to be angry, demanding, and forceful to have the energy to overcome her mother’s fear and objections. It would be easy to continue to be angry at her mother, to blame her mother for her emotionally crippled state. However, it is important to realize that Fans become Fans because they feel so unsafe in the world. Her mother had good reason to feel unsafe—she was brought up in a family that didn’t have enough after war time, her natural mother died early, and she was raised in a family with several other children. Her mother, being a human being, was bound to come out wounded from those experiences.
This is simply an example of my client’s mother’s wounds passing to my client and setting up her own self-sabotage pattern. For my client to heal from this wound, it’s good to have the consciousness around where it came from, but more importantly it’s good to dismantle the belief system, get the soul retrieval done to bring back that part of her that wants to embrace life and have some crazy, out of the way, kind of fun; the soul retrieval returns the unwounded soul part that has never been sabotaged by her mother.
If you have a strong saboteur within you, and you are an Empath, take a look and see if your mother sounds like my client’s mother. The sabotage may not be as extreme as in this case, it may be more subtle and harder to pin point. Chances are that if you have a Fan as a mother, then you have a very strong saboteur. Realize that that voice inside of you comes from a weak and scared person who is not you! Realize that life doesn’t have to be boxed in like it has been—you can change this belief system and emerge ready to pursue your dreams.