My interview with Karyn Kulenovic is Live for the next 72 hours

Hello Everyone,My interview with Karyn Kulenovic is available starting today for the next 72 hours!  I hope you enjoy.  Just click here to sign up and listen.  In case you miss my interview this weekend, the series will replay for free at the end of the Summit.The interviews for the Integrated Empath Master Class are all free, but you can purchase the series to keep. If you do I will earn a small commission, which I gratefully appreciate!Enjoy!Elaine

The Empath, the Narcissist, and Favors

I’ve had a few questions around situations in which a relationship with a narcissist has ended, and ended badly, and lo and behold, a few months later, or even years later, the narcissist makes a request for a special favor despite all that had gone before.  Clients come back to me stirred up, old wounds uncovered, resentment brewing once again.  How can this person have requested a favor; what the heck is wrong with the narcissist?  Empaths must remember that if we are healthy we tend to understand how a person is feeling, and we tend to respect boundaries, so we naturally do not ask favors of those people who have told us to go away.  When we are healthy we understand that our feelings and needs are just as important as others’ feelings and needs.  But for the narcissist, the narcissist simply cannot see anyone in their lives as important as themselves.  The narcissist simply doesn’t care how other people are feeling.  It is the narcissist’s feelings, needs, and requests that are important.  Everything else takes second place to the narcissist.If you have read my book on the Fan-Hero Family System, you are familiar with the Enneagram Type Three, which I like to call the Hero.  When the Hero is emotionally dissociated, the Hero usually starts behaving as a narcissist.  While the healthy Hero is in pursuit of self-improvement and acts as an inspiration to others, the unhealthy Hero believes in the image he has of himself and of others in his life, and tries to protect that image even at the expense of others and in direct contradiction of reality.  In the Fan-Hero Family System book I described the adult son of a Hero who broke off contact with his narcissist father because his father could not treat him or his family in a way that wasn’t damaging and hurtful.  The son, my client, had explained to his father that his father seemed incapable of seeing that there were problems in the relationship, and therefore no change could occur.  Unless those changes happened, my client couldn’t afford the negativity and crazy-making behavior from his father in his life.  My client asked for no visits, and no contact unless the behavior was addressed.  Basically since his father was incapable of even admitting there was a problem between them, the relationship was over for my client, even though the narcissist father wanted the relationship.As you can imagine, this breakdown of the father-son relationship was extremely hard on my client.  It had taken him years of hard work to become clear enough about his family to see what was really going on, and to see how shallow many of the family relationships were.  In his family, like with many unhealthy Fan-Hero Families, he was expected to serve the family and the image.  He was a support person, not the person who should get the attention and glory, which always goes to the Hero.  His wife had been punished because she had seen what the dynamic was, and then his children had been neglected and ignored.  On one level my client had allowed this to happen, which had caused him major grief within his marriage.  On another level, this was the set up of his family, so once he did his personal work he was able to release himself from these contracts and behave as the man he always wanted to be.  His marriage repaired itself, and his children were free of any generational contracts from his side of the family.  He knew he had been lucky to escape, and he only regretted that it had taken him so long.A year after he had ended his relationship with his father he received a letter from him asking for help.  His father wanted to remove his son from his will so he could give that money to his current wife, who was likely to outlive him.  His father had mismanaged his money, and wanted to fix the problem this way, but didn’t want to do so without his son’s approval.  My client, who had assumed no inheritance was coming anyway, was angered by this intrusion and had the urge to write back to his father and tell him to jump in a lake.  He was surprised that his wife found the letter hilarious—she encouraged him to not respond at all.  While my client ended up deciding not to respond to his father’s request, it was a good opportunity to look at the mind and motivations of the narcissist, especially the unhealthy Hero type Narcissist.While a healthy person would feel extreme shame and embarrassment at writing such a letter, the narcissist has no problem with this sort of request because he is too emotionally dissociated to feel uncomfortable feelings of shame and of embarrassment.  He doesn’t have that natural check in place that the rest of us have, which is the main benefit of being able to feel and to handle our uncomfortable emotions.  Because the narcissist only considers himself, he doesn’t consider what effect writing such a letter would have on his son, or even on his wife for that matter.  He is only fixated on getting his own needs met, which is to have enough money in his bank account so that his young wife won’t go back to work and possibly leave him in his old age.  Also notice that in this case the narcissist also avoids responsibility for his mismanagement of money and for the ensuing consequences by asking his son to give him his approval.  By making it a joint decision he doesn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for his actions.  The narcissist also doesn’t see that his letter simply reinforces his son’s conclusion that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship.  He doesn’t see or care that he makes it appear that his wife has only married him for his money. Another point Empaths don't realize is that the Narcissist can make such a request because he has nothing to lose.  Since he doesn't feel uncomfortable like most people would, there is no cost in asking for a favor.  Either way, he wins.  In this particular case, the narcissist wins no matter how my client responded.  The narcissist can tell himself that he did his best in contacting his son if his son doesn't respond, and it's his son's fault for not helping him.  He wins if his son contacts him and says go ahead since he can then share responsibility for fixing his mismanagement of his money.  He can tell his wife that his son knows about the change in the will, too, so she won't feel like she's imposing on the father-son relationship.  But he also wins if his son says no because he can tell his wife that his son cares more about the money than her financial security.  In all three cases the narcissist avoids responsibility, can transfer blame, and also lightens any emotional discomfort that may be pushing through his repression.While my client was angry, and while he understood on a whole new level how deep the narcissism ran in his family, he was grateful he had already ended the relationship with his father.  If he hadn’t done his personal work and had still been in contact with his father, he would have had to deal with his father’s financial problems.  It would have been enough to end the relationship at that point, but then his father could blame the ensuing rift on his son’s attachment to money, rather than deal with the cleaner break my client had made months before.  The narcissist’s behavior isn’t surprising here, even though many Empaths are revolted and baffled by such behavior.  Narcissists have no compunction asking for favors that benefit them to the detriment or discomfort of the people around them.  If you are in relationship with a narcissist, keep this in mind.  A narcissist is too wounded to be able to care about you as you care about him.  He is simply incapable of doing so.  He may say he loves you, but remember that his love for you is secondary to his own needs and feelings.  Staying in a close relationship with such a person without keeping this fact in mind can lead to deep hurt and betrayal.  Don’t expect a narcissist to treat you as you would treat him—that simply misses the point of what it means to be a narcissist.

The Empath and the Narcissist

Lately I have had questions from readers about how to deal with a narcissist.  Empaths are confused by this relationship because the narcissist tends to mimic an Empath, and before the Empath knows it, the Empath is ensnared in a relationship she thought was real and equal and now cannot find a way out.  What has happened, and why is this relationship so draining?It's important to realize that all people when their wounds are triggered have a tendency to become narcissistic.  We focus on our pain and our emotions, becoming self-absorbed and less aware of the effect our actions and words have on the people around us.  What this means is that Empaths can be narcissists, too.   However, once we get out of a Victim stance and we start taking responsibility for our emotional state, we tend to behave narcissistically less often.  We have grown ourselves out of the trap of the narcissist.  What is this trap?From what I have seen in my practice and my personal experience, the narcissist has a core wound that makes him or her feel unlovable and worthless.  However, this wound and the belief is buried so deep that it is completely unconscious.  To compensate and to not feel this pain, they over-achieve, they become know-it-alls, and/or they build up a facade that allows them to feel good about themselves.  Feeling good is all they can allow or else they will access that deep pain.  Many narcissists will sacrifice just about anything and anybody to avoid facing such pain.  Such a person is unlikely to be able to do his work in order to heal because they are avoiding that core pain.I have written an article (See The Emotionally Dissociated Hero) on one type of narcissist that the Empath tends to find fascinating.  I have also written a book on the type of family that tends to support and collude with the narcissist called the Fan-Hero Family System.  The book goes in depth into how this type of narcissist tends to function, and I recommend it for any Empath who is trying to recover from a relationship with such a person.  However, the most important point for the Empath to understand so that they can avoid this relationship is the Empath's own tendency to need to be the special, bonded one in another person's life.The narcissist uses this need to manipulate the Empath.  The Emotionally Dissociated Hero uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the Hero's life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship.  Empaths, as you can already imagine, are great support people.  We will listen to the Hero's story, we will help the Hero with his projects, and if we haven't healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world.  The blind spot for Empaths to watch out for is our unconscious belief that going deep and seeing the inner world of another is the best way to bond.  It is unhealthy to bond to an unhealthy person!The Hero unconsciously knows about the Empath's need to bond.  The Hero knows what to say and how to behave, but all of it is just an act.  The Hero draws the Empath in, the Empath thinks she is having a great relationship, and then the confusion begins.  What has happened?  Why does this relationship that seemed so real at first now feel so weird and draining?Heroes are usually charming, attractive people, they know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their Hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness.  The Hero is also a liar.  He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying.  The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is the Hero who is actually ill.  The Hero is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath).  Unfortunately, the Hero has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade.  These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell of the Hero and fall for the facade.  Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call the Hero on his behavior.  Theses people would rather live by appearances as well.As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath.  She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realization that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way.  However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity.  For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one.  Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years.  It also takes them years to recover.In the Fan-Hero Family System book I talk about an Empath and her husband who escaped from a group who both knowingly and unknowingly supported the unhealthy Heroes in the Family.  This type of dynamic requires scapegoating--which means we set someone else up to take the blame and we project our unwanted feelings on to them.  Of course, it is the Empath that usually becomes the scapegoat.  Scapegoating is a terrible form of group lying and of avoiding reality.  Most of the time it is done unconsciously, but even so, it is always incredibly painful for the scapegoat.Empaths who have lived through this and want to heal must remember that they have been badly abused and injured in the worst sort of way.  The person they have bonded to has violated her trust.  Understanding the hidden dynamic can be helpful, which is the main reason I wrote the Fan-Hero Family System book.  However, once the understanding is there, the real challenge for Empaths is to let go of the wound and not give it another thought, another feeling, or any more energy.  The narcissist involved is a sick person.  The people that support him are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie.  Empaths who want to live happy, full lives must embrace reality.  Narcissists simply cannot.  The best way to heal is to understand that the narcissist probably won't be able to heal because he must first realize he is wounded.  He cannot take responsibility for himself.  Empaths must accept this is the case.  This situation is unfixable!The only sane action the Empath can take is to take responsibilty for her state.  She can realize that she has these core beliefs about being special and about being emotionally bonded, and she can start observing how these beliefs drive her.  Then she can be more choosy in her relationships.  And she can be on the look out for people who avoid reality and avoid them herself.Let me know if you have questions or comments!much love,Elaine 

The Empath and Dealing with an Emotionally Dissociated Hero in Recovery

Hi Everyone,

I had a question today from an Empath who is married to an Emotionally Dissociated Hero.  They have both been hard at work dealing with old wounds and traumas that have led her to have poor boundaries in the past and have led him to dissociate and push away his feelings.  However, as the Hero becomes in touch with his old repressed feelings, all that old emotional energy has bubbled up, as is very common when we work through old trauma.  The Empath has had a hard time dealing with her husband's vibration, even though they are both conscious of what is happening.  Not only is she picking up on his emotional state, it is also making her physically ill.  Her question is around how to deal effectively as a partner with his healing without becoming sick herself.  The key here is to use tools on the Mythic and Energetic Planes to move the healing along instead of work just at the mental-emotional (Symbolic Plane) so that neither one become sick at the Literal plane (physical body) Please follow the comments if you are interested.

much love,

Elaine

Fan-Hero Family System Ebook Now Available

Hello Everyone!

I've just posted a new ebook on my website in the shop called The Empath and the Hero-Fan Family System.  I first published these essays in 2009.  These essays have been revised and expanded.  If you are an Empath and you've found yourself caught in confusing relationship patterns where everything seems normal, healthy and happy on the outside but on the inside you feel crazy, sick, tired, and confused, you may be dealing with unhealthy Heroes or unhealthy Fans.  These essays cover what this type of family system looks like, how Emotionally Dissociated Hero behavior is reinforced by Fans. 

Also included is a description of Secret Drama, a painful relationship dynamic between an Empath and a Hero  in which the Empath keeps secrets for the Hero but then the Hero makes the Empath into a scapegoat for the entire Family so the Family can keep its illusion of health and happiness.  Many people find my website because they have this painful relationship with a Hero.  I map out why this relationship unfolds the way it does and how the Empath can extract herself and then heal using shamanic work.

I hope you find this new ebook helpful!

much love,

Elaine

Family System Reinforcement Essays

Hello Everyone! I hope you enjoy the labor day weekend.  Here in Portland we're planning on enjoying a bbq on Sunday despite the rain in the forecast.  I just love autumn! This week I've published several new essays on my website around Family System Reinforcement.  These essays follow one Empath through a Family System and show her path in healing from the typical Empath wounds of rejection and abandonment so she can form her own happy marriage and family.  If you are an Empath, these essays are for you.  If you are an emotionally dissociated Hero these essays may also be helpful in seeing how the Archetypes of Empath and Hero interact.www.elainelajoie.com/EmpathyandRelationshipsBook.htmThe new essays are toward the bottom of the page under the heading, Family System Reinforcement.Enjoy, and have a wonderful holiday weekend!much love,Elaine

Shamanic Work and Family System Reinforcement

Hello Everyone,I just recently returned from working with Marv and Shanon Harwood of Kimmapii Energies up in Alberta, Canada.  This was a great opportunity for me to revisit the South work of Shedding what no longer Serves, plus I had the chance to see Marv again.  While I am recovering from my experiences of the Spring, I highly recommend Marv if you need energywork done.  He certainly did some amazing work on me while I was there!  His website is http://www.kimmapii.com/Also, I just finished recording the Eighth Empath Telecall.  In this call we talked about how our Family System keeps us stuck in old patterns and behaviors that might not be in our best interest, and how painful it can be when we stop colluding with our family of origin.  The next call we'll talk more about how shamanic work can undo family belief systems that began generations ago that still keep us bound in the present.  In both calls I use my personal experiences and experiences with clients.  If you are interested in listening, go to http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmpathTeleclassPurchase.htm

Support for the Empath

Hi Everyone!I am happy to annouce that I have been able to record the Empath Telecall for those of you who are looking for support and insight into your intuitive gifts.  Right now there are two calls available for download, and the live calls are scheduled for the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month.  Our next call is this Friday.  Please let me know if you'd like to join us.  Right now we've discussed how the Empath deals with input from others, basic protections, and we've just begun talking about the Drama Triangle and the Empath.  If you'd like to learn more, just go to my website and click workshops.  It's the first workshop listed.Here's to enjoying our Empathy and our intuitive gifts!Elaine

Transformation on the Blog

Hi All, A few months ago, NeoInsight wrote in asking questions about his marriage to his Emotionally Dissociated wife.  If you haven't been following the comments that followed the post, NeoInsight has not only divorced his wife, but has also left the Drama Triangle, too, which meant leaving another friendship behind as well.  You can read about his journey in the post entitled Questions about Emotional Dissociation which was updated just today.It is an interesting thing that our difficulties in our relationships always come back to ourselves.  It's very easy as Empaths to see the Emotionally Dissociated friend or partner as the problem, and believe me, they can be really aggravating.  But, the more interesting question is why are we in the relationship?  What are we getting out of it?  What is our part in creating the problem?  These questions take the focus to where it belongs--our own healing.  And when we heal ourselves, we change our vibration, and then everything around us changes, including our relationship that was the original focus.  Sometimes the relationship ends, but sometimes it also magically transforms.Elaine

Emotional Dissociation---Exposing the Dissociated Hero

I was just asked the question of whether it should be explained to the dissociated hero the motivations that lead her to be cold and unfeeling in her relationships.  My reader had found my essay on dissociated heroes and discovered that his girlfriend could be described as one.  Especially in a break up situation, explaining what is wrong with the hero is probably a bad idea.  While it can be a relief to discover the motivations behind a person's actions, especially when that person has hurt or aggravated us, we have to remember that people are defended for a reason.  To forcibly break down those defenses is in some ways very cruel.Of course, most Empaths are not attempting cruelty, they are attempting to bring clarity.  Empaths, who are very attached to clarity and authenticity and so tend to listen carefully to others' observations of them, have a tendency not to see that their efforts at explaining the faults of another when unasked are seen as an attack rather than as a help by the average person, and by the dissociated hero in particular.  If a break up has already occurred, chances are that the defended hero is not interested in learning more or becoming more self-aware.  Questions to ask before attempting to educate a former mate or best friend are, "Is this person aware of the affect her actions have on others, or does she react based upon how she believes the person should react according to his role?" "Does she normally just want to move onward and forward without looking back at the past?"   The answers to these questions will reveal how disconnected the Hero is from her inner self.  The more disonnected, the worse an explanation will be received. Most dissociated heroes are not interested in becoming self-aware.  That very self-awareness points them in the direction of their inner feelings of unworthiness.  If the Empath or the unwitting person decides to inform the dissociated hero of what motivates her, the Empath is likely to be attacked or even completely ignored in return.  If the Empath doesn’t mind the verbal and psychic abuse likely to head her way, konking the dissociated hero on the head with unwanted knowledge can be a sufficient release of frustration, and also has the added benefit in that the Empath can assuage any feelings of having not done enough to save the relationship.Perhaps in some cases a revelation might be helpful.  I have found this only to be true if the other, when not under stress, has committed to a lifetime of personal growth, and understands the challenges, AND when under stress walks his/her talk.  Even those that do commit to growth can reach their limits and simply may not be able to see past their own defenses.  This applies to all of us, not just dissociated Heroes.  Growth happens in its own time, and usually it happens most gracefully with the consent and inquiry of the one undertaking the growth.  So, as long as my reader is ready to take the consequences, it may be worth it to him to attempt to educate the Hero.I have to say, though, that when I was involved with a dissociated Hero, my attempts to educate her led to the break up of not just our friendship, but several other relationships in our group of mutual friends as well.  Not only that, but the information I gave the Hero fell on deaf ears in that years later she asked for my help in getting out the same sort of dramatic situation Heroes tend to create that I had complained of.  At the time her request for help was mindboggling, but that is how disconnected from reality dissociated Heroes can be.  People really do learn in their own time and sometimes not even with help, and not even with cold hard experience. Let me know if you have further questions or comments on this topic.  I know this is a hot one for Empaths, who are driven to be authentic and truthful, and fix whatever needs fixing.  Sometimes the motto to follow is to cause the least harm and let others to their own paths without our input, especially when it has been made clear that it is not wanted or valued.  Sometimes that entails simply cutting our losses and walking away, without the reconciliation and the understanding we might want, or they might want, given that we'll suffer damage by staying in the relationship. 

Questions about Dealing with Emotional Dissociation

Hello  I enjoyed your article on Intuitives, Empaths, and the Dissociated person.  I am traveling through a very difficult time in my life and have literally felt like I don't know what hit me.  I am an intuitive but just beginning my spiritual journey.  I am a scientist with an open mind and am finding so much truth in the spiritual side of life. I have been married for 12 years and although my wife is a great mother (we have two boys), I have discovered that I am in an abusive relationship - abusive emotionally.  I have discovered this after countless hours of research and reading and talking to many different people including a year of counseling (both with my wife and by myself).  My close family members have told me for years that things were not as I observed - I was ordered around and not loved or respected.  My wife is not a bad person, but we don't seem to function well together, unless I am taking care of all of the emotion.  We are different creatures.  I have felt like my energy has slowly been drained over the years and now I have nothing left to give to her.It appears that our marriage is over.  I have no desire to jump through the next higher layer of hoops to win her over.  We have both said that in our gut we know it is over.  We are separted but still sleeping in the same bed and this is the plan for a year.  I have withdrawn my emotional energy from her and I am feeling better, but at times she seems bitter.  I am preparing to move on, but finding I feel uneasy and lonely at times.I have two questions in relation to your article.  First, myself and others that I have shown this article to do not quite understand what is meant by the intuitive processing the dissociated persons emotional energy for them.   I can understand that my energy field has been drained, but not the processing part.The second part of my question is, is it better to stay in a dead-end relationship for kids sake or is it more important for my soul and that of my children (and even my wife's) to move on and be true to myself and hope to find another person of similar spirit?  I know similar people to me are out there, in fact I believe I met a soul mate of mine 10 years ago - we have been close friends since.   I know there are studies, some of which say it is best to stay together (for the kids sake), but others say it is best to show the kids true happiness, which can't be found in the current relationship.  So from a spiritual perspective, what is best for myself, my wife, and our kids?  I truly believe that my wife is dissociated and has deep emotional sadness and pain (which I can't get to in order to help), therefore the direction that I am heading appears to match what your article recommends - step out of the way gently, which I interpret to mean that I should move on (I am not suggesting that your article is telling me to leave my wife!).I know from my core that I must move on.  My counselor has told me this and he is helping me move in this direction - not pushing me but definately guiding me, my family has suggested this, my wife wants to.   I guess since I haven't done this before, it does terrify me, but I also know that I am happy on my own and will always be - alone or not, my happiness comes from within. I love life, my job, my kids, and the journey that I am just starting.  I am finding strength in my soul mate, friends, family, counseling, and wonderfully insightful articles such as this. I guess what I am looking for someone to tell me it is okay to move on, in fact it is the right thing to do.  I definately have the strength to do this, but it is incredibly difficult at times.  I know that you do not know me, so I am looking for a broader spiritual answer and not necessarily one specific to my situation.  I am mainly concerned about my children and how this will affect them.  I had hoped and expected to be with them every day of their childhood.Thanks for your time,NeoInsight