Drama and Stepping into Timelessness
Hello Everyone!It is very strange to me that August is already here, and ironic since at the end of the month I am hosting a workshop all about stepping into Timelessness. Time seems to have sped up for many of us with all our obligations and our busy lives. Stepping into Timelessness isn't just useful for relieving ourselves from the busy-ness of life, it is also useful for stepping out of Drama.We Empaths can get stirred up with our own internal Drama after we've made a decision, especially if the decision is a firm No to someone who is stuck in Drama themselves. I had the opportunity recently to work with a client who was prone to Drama, and then to see how stepping into Timelessness can stop the Drama right in Its tracks.My client had been in a years-long friendship with another Empath who happened to be stuck in Victim. This person had managed to blow little innocent incidents into hurtful, unnecessary Dramas with various people in her life. After one incident too many involving my client's spouse, my client and her spouse finally and firmly ended the relationship. Of course, her friend found her unreasonable and unforgiving, and since this friend was stuck in Victim, considered my client a Bully and attacked her verbally. All her own Shadow issues of jealousy and envy had been projected onto my client in one vicious last swoop. My client already knew these issues were in play, but had hoped her friend had managed to get control of it and would take responsibility. But this friend didn't. It was easy to see that this friend was dangerously carrying around a metaphorical loaded shotgun, and was unconscious to the harm she did to others firing it off whenever her own stuff was triggered. My client was relieved to let the friendship end, and she was also surprised by how free she felt afterwards. (This is a typical feeling once we've given up a vampire relationship.)Predictably the former friend wanted to repair the relationship, and she contacted my client once or twice. My client very wisely ignored her. She simply wasn't interested anymore--her freedom, and the relief of friends around her was too valuable. (She didn't realize how much discomfort this friend had been causing in other lives until they confided in her afterwards.)Naturally the Victim friend pulled in a Rescuer who was identified with Rescuing women who had put themselves in dire straights. This Rescuer was doing his personal work so he could become an energyworker himself. However, like many people who feel called to the healing arts, he had to work on his tendency to Rescue, and on his identification with being a Light Worker. As many of you know from reading my blog and my books, shaman are not Light Workers. Shaman can help assist others in owning the projections of their Shadows so that they can create lives that they want instead of what they create out of their Shadows. My client had the talent of being the social glue for people she loved, so excluding anyone from her life was very hard for her to do, which was of course why she allowed this former friendship to continue for so long in the first place. The former friend was missing out on community events my client hosted on a regular basis. The Rescuer saw this and wanted to help. He contacted my client and told her that this relationship was in need of deep healing, and if she was willing to do the work, then this former friend could be included once again. Luckily for my client she saw the Rescue right away and didn't turn into a Bully and lambast him for interfering where he didn't belong. She simply told him that No, she wasn't interested, and in fact there were others that would be negatively affected too, and she didn't want to lose their company either, so No. The Rescuer in this situation was very disappointed--he unconsciously thought to not only Rescue the former friend who held the Victim story, but to Rescue the friendship as well. He thought that of course if you are doing your personal work, all relationships could be healed. (This is a very common faulty belief.)For my client she found the incident amusing at first, because she knew this man was working hard on his Rescuer tendency, but she had also taken on the Rescuer's surprise and disappointment at her firm No. (Remember, if you are stuck in Rescuer, it's hard to see others clearly--everyone is either a Victim or a Bully.) In her head she started defending herself and her position, she started going over what exactly had happened in the past to cause her to break off the relationship with the Victim, she started getting annoyed and angry at the Rescuer for breaking boundaries and approaching her when he didn't even know her. In short, she spun out into her own internal Drama--internal because she was wise enough not to act on it, but she was suffering anyway. (If you are an Empath, you understand our tendency to slip into this type of suffering.)The solution for her was to do a sandpainting and let Mother Earth transform it, and then she stepped into Timelessness. Sitting next to her sandpainting, a hummingbird came and hovered in front of her face for a few moments, reminding her to step outside of time, drink only from the deepest nectar of life, and remember that life is in these precious nows. Then the Drama was done, and she could laugh at the situation again. Every person has their Shadow to work on--she could go back to being compassionate to everyone involved, including herself, without having to get back into a literal relationship with anyone stuck in Drama. What a relief!If you related to this story, and you would like to learn how to step into Timelessness, there is still time (haha!) to register for the Raven Portal Workshop taught by my mentor, Marv Harwood, and his wife, Shanon in Portland from Friday evening August 24th through Sunday the 26th. Just contact me or visit the homepage of my website: www.elainelajoie.commuch love,Elaine
Elaine's News: Interview airs on the 3rd, new email list
Hello Everyone,I just wanted to let my readers know that I've just moved over from Feedburner to a new email software called MailPoet. Please bear with me as I work out the kinks.It's been a big year. Some of you may know that I took a break from shamanic work to concentrate on writing another book. However, my life took an unexpected turn with a move, and with withdrawing my child from school to do independent study this past year. It's been a challenging yet fun year seeing my son thrive in an out-of-the-box environment, but it's left me very little time to write or to take clients. I hope to be back in the writing routine soon.In the midst of adjusting to this new lifestyle, I had an opportunity to talk to another Empath about my work that I had put on hold. Karyn Kulenovic asked if I was willing to be interviewed as an expert for her Integrated Empath Summit. She had read my books and wanted me to speak about the Empath and relationships, especially around the Drama Triangle, the Rescuer Role and how Empaths can attract narcissists. The experience reminded me of why I went into coaching and then later became a shaman. Helping others learn how to empower themselves is so satisfying. In speaking with Karyn, I realized that I had forgotten how much I knew about the subject, and how satisfying it is to do this work. I had so much fun in this interview!Karyn has interviewed 22 Empath experts. You can listen to all 22 interviews for free. Two interviews per day will air beginning June 1st. Mine airs on June 3rd. You also have the option to purchase all the interviews at the end of the summit. If you are interested, you can register here. In talking to Karyn I realized that I had great case studies for a book on the Empath and romantic relationships. I'm really looking forward to sharing these with you. Thank you for your support!Elaine
Listen to Elaine's interview on the Integrated Empath Summit, June 3rd
Hello Beautiful Souls!I'm very excited to announce that I will appear as one of the experts on Karyn Kulenovic's Integrated Empath Summit. My interview goes live on June 3rd, and you can listen to all 21 expert interviews for free. Just click here to sign up. My interview concentrates mostly on relationships, especially with narcissists, the Drama Triangle, and shamanic energy work. I hope you will check it out.much love,Elaine
The Empath, Narcissist, and Favors
I’ve had a few questions around situations in which a relationship with a narcissist has ended, and ended badly, and lo and behold, a few months later, or even years later, the narcissist makes a request for a special favor despite all that had gone before. Clients come back to me stirred up, old wounds uncovered, resentment brewing once again. How can this person have requested a favor; what the heck is wrong with the narcissist? Empaths must remember that if we are healthy we tend to understand how a person is feeling, and we tend to respect boundaries, so we naturally do not ask favors of those people who have told us to go away. When we are healthy we understand that our feelings and needs are just as important as others’ feelings and needs. But for the narcissist, the narcissist simply cannot see anyone in their lives as important as themselves. The narcissist simply doesn’t care how other people are feeling. It is the narcissist’s feelings, needs, and requests that are important. Everything else takes second place to the narcissist. If you have read my book on the Fan-Hero Family System, you are familiar with the Enneagram Type Three, which I like to call the Hero. When the Hero is emotionally dissociated, the Hero usually starts behaving as a narcissist. While the healthy Hero is in pursuit of self-improvement and acts as an inspiration to others, the unhealthy Hero believes in the image he has of himself and of others in his life, and tries to protect that image even at the expense of others and in direct contradiction of reality. In the Fan-Hero Family System book I described the adult son of a Hero who broke off contact with his narcissist father because his father could not treat him or his family in a way that wasn’t damaging and hurtful. The son, my client, had explained to his father that his father seemed incapable of seeing that there were problems in the relationship, and therefore no change could occur. Unless those changes happened, my client couldn’t afford the negativity and crazy-making behavior from his father in his life. My client asked for no visits, and no contact unless the behavior was addressed. Basically since his father was incapable of even admitting there was a problem between them, the relationship was over for my client, even though the narcissist father wanted the relationship. As you can imagine, this breakdown of the father-son relationship was extremely hard on my client. It had taken him years of hard work to become clear enough about his family to see what was really going on, and to see how shallow many of the family relationships were. In his family, like with many unhealthy Fan-Hero Families, he was expected to serve the family and the image. He was a support person, not the person who should get the attention and glory, which always goes to the Hero. His wife had been punished because she had seen what the dynamic was, and then his children had been neglected and ignored. On one level my client had allowed this to happen, which had caused him major grief within his marriage. On another level, this was the set up of his family, so once he did his personal work he was able to release himself from these contracts and behave as the man he always wanted to be. His marriage repaired itself, and his children were free of any generational contracts from his side of the family. He knew he had been lucky to escape, and he only regretted that it had taken him so long. A year after he had ended his relationship with his father he received a letter from him asking for help. His father wanted to remove his son from his will so he could give that money to his current wife, who was likely to outlive him. His father had mismanaged his money, and wanted to fix the problem this way, but didn’t want to do so without his son’s approval. My client, who had assumed no inheritance was coming anyway, was angered by this intrusion and had the urge to write back to his father and tell him to jump in a lake. He was surprised that his wife found the letter hilarious—she encouraged him to not respond at all. While my client ended up deciding not to respond to his father’s request, it was a good opportunity to look at the mind and motivations of the narcissist, especially the unhealthy Hero type Narcissist. While a healthy person would feel extreme shame and embarrassment at writing such a letter, the narcissist has no problem with this sort of request because he is too emotionally dissociated to feel uncomfortable feelings of shame and of embarrassment. He doesn’t have that natural check in place that the rest of us have, which is the main benefit of being able to feel and to handle our uncomfortable emotions. Because the narcissist only considers himself, he doesn’t consider what effect writing such a letter would have on his son, or even on his wife for that matter. He is only fixated on getting his own needs met, which is to have enough money in his bank account so that his young wife won’t go back to work and possibly leave him in his old age. Also notice that in this case the narcissist also avoids responsibility for his mismanagement of money and for the ensuing consequences by asking his son to give him his approval. By making it a joint decision he doesn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for his actions. The narcissist also doesn’t see that his letter simply reinforces his son’s conclusion that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. He doesn’t see or care that he makes it appear that his wife has only married him for his money. Another point Empaths don’t realize is that the Narcissist can make such a request because he has nothing to lose. Since he doesn’t feel uncomfortable like most people would, there is no cost in asking for a favor. Either way, he wins. In this particular case, the narcissist wins no matter how my client responded. The narcissist can tell himself that he did his best in contacting his son if his son doesn’t respond, and it’s his son’s fault for not helping him. He wins if his son contacts him and says go ahead since he can then share responsibility for fixing his mismanagement of his money. He can tell his wife that his son knows about the change in the will, too, so she won’t feel like she’s imposing on the father-son relationship. But he also wins if his son says no because he can tell his wife that his son cares more about the money than her financial security. In all three cases the narcissist avoids responsibility, can transfer blame, and also lightens any emotional discomfort that may be pushing through his repression. While my client was angry, and while he understood on a whole new level how deep the narcissism ran in his family, he was grateful he had already ended the relationship with his father. If he hadn’t done his personal work and had still been in contact with his father, he would have had to deal with his father’s financial problems. It would have been enough to end the relationship at that point, but then his father could blame the ensuing rift on his son’s attachment to money, rather than deal with the cleaner break my client had made months before. The narcissist’s behavior isn’t surprising here, even though many Empaths are revolted and baffled by such behavior. Narcissists have no compunction asking for favors that benefit them to the detriment or discomfort of the people around them. If you are in relationship with a narcissist, keep this in mind. A narcissist is too wounded to be able to care about you as you care about him. He is simply incapable of doing so. He may say he loves you, but remember that his love for you is secondary to his own needs and feelings. Staying in a close relationship with such a person without keeping this fact in mind can lead to deep hurt and betrayal. Don’t expect a narcissist to treat you as you would treat him—that simply misses the point of what it means to be a narcissist.
The Empath, the Narcissist, and Favors
I’ve had a few questions around situations in which a relationship with a narcissist has ended, and ended badly, and lo and behold, a few months later, or even years later, the narcissist makes a request for a special favor despite all that had gone before. Clients come back to me stirred up, old wounds uncovered, resentment brewing once again. How can this person have requested a favor; what the heck is wrong with the narcissist? Empaths must remember that if we are healthy we tend to understand how a person is feeling, and we tend to respect boundaries, so we naturally do not ask favors of those people who have told us to go away. When we are healthy we understand that our feelings and needs are just as important as others’ feelings and needs. But for the narcissist, the narcissist simply cannot see anyone in their lives as important as themselves. The narcissist simply doesn’t care how other people are feeling. It is the narcissist’s feelings, needs, and requests that are important. Everything else takes second place to the narcissist.If you have read my book on the Fan-Hero Family System, you are familiar with the Enneagram Type Three, which I like to call the Hero. When the Hero is emotionally dissociated, the Hero usually starts behaving as a narcissist. While the healthy Hero is in pursuit of self-improvement and acts as an inspiration to others, the unhealthy Hero believes in the image he has of himself and of others in his life, and tries to protect that image even at the expense of others and in direct contradiction of reality. In the Fan-Hero Family System book I described the adult son of a Hero who broke off contact with his narcissist father because his father could not treat him or his family in a way that wasn’t damaging and hurtful. The son, my client, had explained to his father that his father seemed incapable of seeing that there were problems in the relationship, and therefore no change could occur. Unless those changes happened, my client couldn’t afford the negativity and crazy-making behavior from his father in his life. My client asked for no visits, and no contact unless the behavior was addressed. Basically since his father was incapable of even admitting there was a problem between them, the relationship was over for my client, even though the narcissist father wanted the relationship.As you can imagine, this breakdown of the father-son relationship was extremely hard on my client. It had taken him years of hard work to become clear enough about his family to see what was really going on, and to see how shallow many of the family relationships were. In his family, like with many unhealthy Fan-Hero Families, he was expected to serve the family and the image. He was a support person, not the person who should get the attention and glory, which always goes to the Hero. His wife had been punished because she had seen what the dynamic was, and then his children had been neglected and ignored. On one level my client had allowed this to happen, which had caused him major grief within his marriage. On another level, this was the set up of his family, so once he did his personal work he was able to release himself from these contracts and behave as the man he always wanted to be. His marriage repaired itself, and his children were free of any generational contracts from his side of the family. He knew he had been lucky to escape, and he only regretted that it had taken him so long.A year after he had ended his relationship with his father he received a letter from him asking for help. His father wanted to remove his son from his will so he could give that money to his current wife, who was likely to outlive him. His father had mismanaged his money, and wanted to fix the problem this way, but didn’t want to do so without his son’s approval. My client, who had assumed no inheritance was coming anyway, was angered by this intrusion and had the urge to write back to his father and tell him to jump in a lake. He was surprised that his wife found the letter hilarious—she encouraged him to not respond at all. While my client ended up deciding not to respond to his father’s request, it was a good opportunity to look at the mind and motivations of the narcissist, especially the unhealthy Hero type Narcissist.While a healthy person would feel extreme shame and embarrassment at writing such a letter, the narcissist has no problem with this sort of request because he is too emotionally dissociated to feel uncomfortable feelings of shame and of embarrassment. He doesn’t have that natural check in place that the rest of us have, which is the main benefit of being able to feel and to handle our uncomfortable emotions. Because the narcissist only considers himself, he doesn’t consider what effect writing such a letter would have on his son, or even on his wife for that matter. He is only fixated on getting his own needs met, which is to have enough money in his bank account so that his young wife won’t go back to work and possibly leave him in his old age. Also notice that in this case the narcissist also avoids responsibility for his mismanagement of money and for the ensuing consequences by asking his son to give him his approval. By making it a joint decision he doesn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for his actions. The narcissist also doesn’t see that his letter simply reinforces his son’s conclusion that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship. He doesn’t see or care that he makes it appear that his wife has only married him for his money. Another point Empaths don't realize is that the Narcissist can make such a request because he has nothing to lose. Since he doesn't feel uncomfortable like most people would, there is no cost in asking for a favor. Either way, he wins. In this particular case, the narcissist wins no matter how my client responded. The narcissist can tell himself that he did his best in contacting his son if his son doesn't respond, and it's his son's fault for not helping him. He wins if his son contacts him and says go ahead since he can then share responsibility for fixing his mismanagement of his money. He can tell his wife that his son knows about the change in the will, too, so she won't feel like she's imposing on the father-son relationship. But he also wins if his son says no because he can tell his wife that his son cares more about the money than her financial security. In all three cases the narcissist avoids responsibility, can transfer blame, and also lightens any emotional discomfort that may be pushing through his repression.While my client was angry, and while he understood on a whole new level how deep the narcissism ran in his family, he was grateful he had already ended the relationship with his father. If he hadn’t done his personal work and had still been in contact with his father, he would have had to deal with his father’s financial problems. It would have been enough to end the relationship at that point, but then his father could blame the ensuing rift on his son’s attachment to money, rather than deal with the cleaner break my client had made months before. The narcissist’s behavior isn’t surprising here, even though many Empaths are revolted and baffled by such behavior. Narcissists have no compunction asking for favors that benefit them to the detriment or discomfort of the people around them. If you are in relationship with a narcissist, keep this in mind. A narcissist is too wounded to be able to care about you as you care about him. He is simply incapable of doing so. He may say he loves you, but remember that his love for you is secondary to his own needs and feelings. Staying in a close relationship with such a person without keeping this fact in mind can lead to deep hurt and betrayal. Don’t expect a narcissist to treat you as you would treat him—that simply misses the point of what it means to be a narcissist.
The Friends and Family Trap
Recently I had several people tell me that they couldn't possibly set limits on a relationship because the person causing trouble was a long time friend or was a family member. Even though my clients and friends were mistreated and this mistreatment was nothing new, they all felt that they had to put up with this behavior in order to consider themselves kind, loving, and tolerant people.Tolerating bad behavior with the assertion that it is loving and kind is neither kind nor loving toward the self or to the other person. The person who does this not only says, "Yes, treat me like dirt," but also says to the culprit, "Yes, your behavior is completely acceptable and you should keep it up. This is how our relationship works."Is this really what friends and family do for each other? Some family and some friends, apparently. But this does not mean that it is healthy to tolerate such behavior. Yes, everyone is flawed, yes, everyone has bad days, yes, everyone acts at their worst when under stress. I am not talking about the flawed person who works on themselves to make their impact on others the best that it can be but blows it on occasion. I am talking about people who have no interest in taking responsibility for themselves and the impact they have on others.These are the selfish people that we are told by colluding family and friends that we must accept for being where they are. Sure, accept them, but Don't Hang Out With Them. DON'T make them your intimate partner. Don't think you have to be with them in order to be a loving, spiritual person. That is the Rescuer Trap in full force! Instead, set boundaries so that you are not so affected by their toxic behavior. Instead go find people that can express that love and kindness to the degree that you can. Find people who have grown as much as you have in self-love and self-worth. Welcome into your tribe those that understand the difference between self-absorption and self-knowledge.The Rescuer Role assumes unconsciously that we are better than others. The Rescuer assumes that the other person in the relationship is so flawed that he/she deserves special treatment and excuses. The Rescuer unconsciously sees the other person as a Victim. If we finally decide to leave a situation that is draining or toxic to us, the Guilt Tripping starts, and we are told (and we believe) we are bad people for taking care of ourselves. We are selfish and unloving, and even unspiritual for being so cruel to the Victim! The Rescuer Role and Drama is reinforced.Step off the Drama Triangle. That means looking at the other person in the relationship and seeing them as capable of change as you are. That means looking at them as having had made choices in life to get them where they are at. That means looking at the standard that you hold for yourself and only choosing people with similar standards to be close to you. The key here is the freedom to choose. If you had free choice, is this what you would choose for yourself? Choice limits us. We human beings have limited time and energy. If we choose people we don't like, who drain us, who annoy and anger us, then we don't have room for people who uplift us, make us smile, and inspire us. Not only that, but in these toxic situations if we choose to not set healthy limits, we are also choosing to collude in keeping up the other person in an unhealthy state.
The Empath and Emotional Responsibility; Taking Right Action
Hello Everyone,
As I've spoken about in my book on the Archetypal Drama Triangle, Empaths can get into trouble when we blame our emotional state on someone else. We can use our unhappy emotional state as the justification for bullying or attacking another person. While this can seem justified it is never a creative action, and it always serves to spread the negativity in a wider circle.
I had this experience myself over the past week. For the first time I received negative reviews on my books I have published through Amazon, first in the UK and then in the US. In one case, the reader decided to start with Volume Four on Shadow Work, and of course couldn't understand the book since important concepts necessary to understanding Shadow Work were introduced in the first three books. Instead of taking responsibility for a poor choice, the reader blamed me and gave my book a bad review. Similarly another reader bought all five books but for whatever reason read the last book first, became depressed, and then gave all the books a bad review while admitting to not reading them.
Unfortunately this sort of behavior is typical for those of us as yet unwilling to take responsibility for our emotional state. In both cases these readers not only blamed me for their unhappiness but attacked me for it. If only they had read the first book! :-)
More interestingly for me was watching myself deal with my first negative reviews. I of course felt unhappy, angry, misrepresented, and attacked, and as an Empath I felt this keenly. The important point for me, though, was to not turn my emotional state on these reviewers, on myself or on the people around me. I could have handled my emotional state irresponsibly by being short with my family members, by telling myself I should give up my work, or by attacking the reviewers. Empaths tend to want to withdraw when dealt criticism, especially unfair criticism. I had to face that feeling, remind myself that my writing has helped far more people than I even know, and then I needed to share my experience with people that I trusted. After doing so, the feelings passed and I was able to let that situation go with the inspiration for a Right Action. I decided to move forward with putting all my books into one large volume instead of waiting to do so until the next two books are complete. In this way no one could be confused as to what to read first. (I hope to have this volume published some time in May)
Anyone who puts their work out there is bound to be attacked in this fashion, especially from people who do not take the risk to put their creativity out in the world. Theodore Roosevelt ignored these attacks from people who were not "in the Arena." On an objective, logical level I know these reviews are not important, I know they show the state of the reviewer and not my work, and I know that in a few days I'll forget about it. However, for Empaths this type of attack is much harder to shrug off than for the non-Empath. We need to give ourselves a break for our emotional state and but not pass our crankiness on like these reviewers did. We need to go to our support system and ask for support. I also pampered myself, did a sandpainting, had a salt bath, and vented to trusted family and friends. I did this over the past few days and felt restored, validated (Empaths love validation) and ready to move forward again.
I write this post to make two important points. If a feeling arises that is uncomfortable, try to examine it before acting on it. If it is obvious that it is the other person's issue, like the response from these reviewers, do what it takes to take care of yourself so that you can shrug off the negativity without hurting yourself or the people around you. See if there's a Right Action to take, like my deciding to put all my writing into one volume, that will make the experience into a positive, life affirming one. Then slather thanks and gratitude on your support system.
Secondly, what would have happened if the reviewer who became depressed by reading my family system book had taken responsibility for his emotions? Instead of disliking and attacking me personally, the responsible action is to look at what is the true source of the depression, sadness, and ensuing anger, which has to come from something within that reviewer. Stop before shooting the messenger and look instead for the wound that needs healing. These actions are the heart of Shadow Work. This is what makes Shadow Work difficult and confusing. It seems like the other person is to blame, but it is really an opportunity always to look within.
As a final request, if my books have helped you on your own journey, please consider writing a favorable review. I would appreciate the love and support. Thank you.
much love,
Elaine
The Empath and the Narcissist
Lately I have had questions from readers about how to deal with a narcissist. Empaths are confused by this relationship because the narcissist tends to mimic an Empath, and before the Empath knows it, the Empath is ensnared in a relationship she thought was real and equal and now cannot find a way out. What has happened, and why is this relationship so draining?It's important to realize that all people when their wounds are triggered have a tendency to become narcissistic. We focus on our pain and our emotions, becoming self-absorbed and less aware of the effect our actions and words have on the people around us. What this means is that Empaths can be narcissists, too. However, once we get out of a Victim stance and we start taking responsibility for our emotional state, we tend to behave narcissistically less often. We have grown ourselves out of the trap of the narcissist. What is this trap?From what I have seen in my practice and my personal experience, the narcissist has a core wound that makes him or her feel unlovable and worthless. However, this wound and the belief is buried so deep that it is completely unconscious. To compensate and to not feel this pain, they over-achieve, they become know-it-alls, and/or they build up a facade that allows them to feel good about themselves. Feeling good is all they can allow or else they will access that deep pain. Many narcissists will sacrifice just about anything and anybody to avoid facing such pain. Such a person is unlikely to be able to do his work in order to heal because they are avoiding that core pain.I have written an article (See The Emotionally Dissociated Hero) on one type of narcissist that the Empath tends to find fascinating. I have also written a book on the type of family that tends to support and collude with the narcissist called the Fan-Hero Family System. The book goes in depth into how this type of narcissist tends to function, and I recommend it for any Empath who is trying to recover from a relationship with such a person. However, the most important point for the Empath to understand so that they can avoid this relationship is the Empath's own tendency to need to be the special, bonded one in another person's life.The narcissist uses this need to manipulate the Empath. The Emotionally Dissociated Hero uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the Hero's life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship. Empaths, as you can already imagine, are great support people. We will listen to the Hero's story, we will help the Hero with his projects, and if we haven't healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world. The blind spot for Empaths to watch out for is our unconscious belief that going deep and seeing the inner world of another is the best way to bond. It is unhealthy to bond to an unhealthy person!The Hero unconsciously knows about the Empath's need to bond. The Hero knows what to say and how to behave, but all of it is just an act. The Hero draws the Empath in, the Empath thinks she is having a great relationship, and then the confusion begins. What has happened? Why does this relationship that seemed so real at first now feel so weird and draining?Heroes are usually charming, attractive people, they know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their Hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness. The Hero is also a liar. He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying. The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is the Hero who is actually ill. The Hero is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath). Unfortunately, the Hero has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade. These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell of the Hero and fall for the facade. Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call the Hero on his behavior. Theses people would rather live by appearances as well.As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath. She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realization that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way. However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity. For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one. Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years. It also takes them years to recover.In the Fan-Hero Family System book I talk about an Empath and her husband who escaped from a group who both knowingly and unknowingly supported the unhealthy Heroes in the Family. This type of dynamic requires scapegoating--which means we set someone else up to take the blame and we project our unwanted feelings on to them. Of course, it is the Empath that usually becomes the scapegoat. Scapegoating is a terrible form of group lying and of avoiding reality. Most of the time it is done unconsciously, but even so, it is always incredibly painful for the scapegoat.Empaths who have lived through this and want to heal must remember that they have been badly abused and injured in the worst sort of way. The person they have bonded to has violated her trust. Understanding the hidden dynamic can be helpful, which is the main reason I wrote the Fan-Hero Family System book. However, once the understanding is there, the real challenge for Empaths is to let go of the wound and not give it another thought, another feeling, or any more energy. The narcissist involved is a sick person. The people that support him are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie. Empaths who want to live happy, full lives must embrace reality. Narcissists simply cannot. The best way to heal is to understand that the narcissist probably won't be able to heal because he must first realize he is wounded. He cannot take responsibility for himself. Empaths must accept this is the case. This situation is unfixable!The only sane action the Empath can take is to take responsibilty for her state. She can realize that she has these core beliefs about being special and about being emotionally bonded, and she can start observing how these beliefs drive her. Then she can be more choosy in her relationships. And she can be on the look out for people who avoid reality and avoid them herself.Let me know if you have questions or comments!much love,Elaine
Boundaries--the Guilt Set Up
Hi Everyone,
Lately I've been talking to other Empaths about how we are set up to tolerate behavior that is directly hurtful to us. In these relationships the Empath usually feels taken advantage of and obligated to stay in a friendship that does nothing for the Empath but the other person in the relationship expects the Empath's support and time and connection. How do we create such situations, and how can we extricate ourselves?
In my latest book, the Empath and Shadow Work, I give an example of such a situation. The Empath gets projected upon as a nurturing mother figure such that the other person in the relationship expects the Empath to take care of his emotional needs, but cannot see that his expectations are unreasonable. While the example in the book is extreme, I find that this scenario happens quite often in Empath friendships. In this case the Empath saw her friend's Shadow very clearly, but the friend was triggered and trapped in his pattern that was predictably going to lead to a relationship failure. He couldn't understand when the Empath refused to play her role in his Drama and walked away from a years long friendship.
If we are the one who is projected upon, we will feel obligated to play out our expected role. If we don't understand the set up, we can feel tremendous guilt for wanting to leave the relationship and anger for feeling obligated to stick around in a draining situation. We need to be careful to step away the Drama Triangle because it always leads to an unhappy outcome. However, not playing will also likely lead to an uncomfortable outcome as well as the other person feels abandoned, neglected, and even betrayed, and will likely attack us for that.
Their inability to understand is NOT our problem!!! Even if we explain to the other person that they need to go do their Shadow Work, they may not believe it or be willing to listen. Empaths can still feel obligated to stick around for the blinded person even after we have explained our side. Don't stick around out of obligation. That person needs to go do their personal work by first asking himself how this person that he has so trusted could decide to distance himself from the relationship. He can exercise his choice to become conscious or not, to do his work or not. We do not need to tolerate hurtful or draining or abusive behavior from anyone, including old friends and even family. We do not need to help someone indulge in their fantasy of how friendship should be.
While this assertion may seem harsh to many Empaths, it is essential to be able to exercise our right to be free of relationships that cause us harm, that are not reciprocal in deepness or understanding, and that irritate us much of the time. People with good boundaries do not feel guilty for having good boundaries. Remember that feeling guilty over leaving this kind of relationship is a set up that keeps us tied in to the other person energetically and leaves us open to psychic attacks. We are not responsible for working on a relationship to the other person's satisfaction. We get to decide what is good for us and what is too much for us.
If you see yourself as the one that has been inexplicably abandoned in the relationship, it is important to take the painful look at your own behavior, including if you have a pattern of relationship failures in which the other person walks away without enough of an explanation. If the pattern is there, your Shadow is in play and you have Shadow Work to do. The first step to healing is admitting that you have a blindspot and are creating a hurtful situation for yourself and the other person unintentionally. Then the deep and uncomfortable work can begin. If the work happens, there's a strong possibility that the original relationship can be salvaged as well.
Here's to being guilt free about setting good boundaries!
Elaine
Creativity and Growing Up
Most of us have heard that to be creative we must be in touch with our inner child, and that our inner child is the creative aspect of ourselves. This is true. But sometimes a big block to being creative is failing to grow up. When clients come to me blocked in their creativity we look at how their beliefs and behavior have formed predictable outcomes. More often than not, my client has the belief system of a child; he hasn’t yet fully grown up. While he may be in his 40’s, parents to young children, or even a grandparent, these life events do not guarantee that he is a grown-up.
How does not growing up block our creativity? To successfully create, we must be partnered with Spirit. We are fully equal partners, not Spirit as above us in hierarchy and we below. So many of us come to the conscious spiritual path with our parental issues still unhealed. We look to Spirit to take care of us, to guarantee us a life of grace and flow. In fact, what can happen is that Spirit pushes us into growing up, and this process can be very uncomfortable.
If we have a Heart’s Desire directed from our Soul, such as to make a big splash in the world by being a leader, or to write a best selling novel, or to sell a beloved screenplay, but we haven’t yet grown up, Life is going to put in our way opportunity after opportunity to become responsible for ourselves. Many clients have told me this is too scary. And yes, it is frightening. Yes, it does require courage, yes, that means facing down fear, and yes that means we might fail. Many clients have told me that this is not fair—this isn’t what the conscious Spiritual path promised. These clients want the childish wish of success with no risk. Of course it is much much easier to not grow up! For a fully empowered creative life, growing up is required.
One of the pitfalls of working as a psychic and shaman is being put in the position of Rescuer and Good Mother. Many a client who has not grown up wants me to be responsible for decisions, and they expect favorable outcomes. Of course, the purpose of my life and practice is to be of service to others in empowering themselves, the complete reverse of unspoken expectations from clients unwilling to grow up. When I point out to these clients that they need to start making decisions for themselves, they are usually shocked and resentful. Most of these clients want me to tell them exactly what to do. They want the guarantee of the successful life without feeling the burden of doing their own work.
We are all creative beings. We all have a creative inner child. That inner child needs proper guidance and parenting. So many of us did not get that kind of support from our own parents, or we received good parenting for the survival or practical side of life, but creativity was labeled impractical or squashed. We may have hurt and shaken inner children to guide. We may have a fantastical, whimsical but totally flighty inner child. It is up to us to guide our precious inner selves into manifesting what we love on the physical plane. That requires a good parent; that requires us to be Grown Ups.
Growing up means that we make a decision and we accept the consequences. Growing up means that we stop straddling fences and commit to our Hearts or that we accept that we aren’t willing to do so. Growing up means that we look at our needs and the needs of others around us and take the whole picture into consideration instead of satisfying our own needs selfishly and justifying it as self-care or satisfying everyone else’s needs before our own and justifying that as being caring and reliable. Growing up literally means being willing to make hard decisions even though they may be completely wrong and may lead to failure, disaster, and even death. (Empaths love to block themselves with a little Drama!)
Growing up means becoming more Conscious. Anyone who has done the work of staying Conscious will tell you that it is no fun, but it is totally worth it. Creativity requires being in the moment, and requires being Conscious. Creativity can be uncomfortable because as we create we come across all sorts of feelings, thought-forms, and bodily sensations that simply do not feel pleasant. Not to mention the grip of being consumed by a creative project. It is no wonder that so many creative people resist creating even though we love it and are driven to do it! But, if we are Grown Ups, we show up and do the work to manifest our Dream and Vision despite the unhappy feelings, despite the negative thoughts, despite the physical discomfort, despite unsupportive friends, family, etc. (Some of you may ask, does creating always feel this horrible? Not always, but creativity requires going into the void, and human beings don’t like that because it is unknown and uncertain, which means scary and risky.)
Grown ups transcend the natural difficulties in a situation—as my husband likes to say, Grown ups Suck It Up and Deal! When we come to accept that creativity can be difficult emotionally, challenging mentally, and full of risks, these obstacles cease to be so daunting. We just get on with it instead. We move forward a little bit, a little at a time. Sometimes we will be inspired, sometimes we won’t be. But the Grown Up gets out there consistently. We are here to be creative. That means that there must be some daily doing, which means that there must be some daily discipline, which means there must be some daily self-coaching.
Just like we send our kids to school every morning unless they are sick or feeling unsafe, we set our inner child to work on our creativity, with us as the Grown Up in charge. This may seem harsh, unjust, and unfair. This may not seem like bliss, ease, grace, and flow. This may seem contrary to what the conscious spiritual path promised. If you think so, let your inner child throw a tantrum, and then make the decision to Suck It Up and Get On With It!
Motivations of the Empath Ebook now Available
Hello Everyone!
I am very excited to announce that FINALLY my ebook on the Motivations of the Empath is now available. I have been working on this collection of essays off and on for the past several years. It's time to put it out there! This is the ebook you want to read if you are an Empath and you want to understand what drives you and why. In it I cover what our gifts and our binds are from an archetypal perspective. I talk about how we can unravel our binds and move more fully into our creativity. I also discuss how our family, especially our mothers, influenced us in unconscious ways that caused us to become more intuitive and highly aware than most other children, leading us to take on the Classic Empath Archetype.
Also included are descriptions of other Empath Archetypes, such as the Sensitive Scientist, the Empathic Hero, and the Giving Persona. I cover why Empaths feel self-conscious, how to move past that into our creativity, how to be better communicators, how to give up fantasy and romance so we can have better relationships with our loved ones, how to deal with our need to fix and our tendency to be self-critical and more.
This ebook assumes an understanding of the drama triangle and basic shamanic concepts discussed in the earlier ebooks on those topics. I'm looking forward to hearing your comments and I hope you enjoy! Please click here to visit my shop.
much love,
Elaine
Fan-Hero Family System Ebook Now Available
Hello Everyone!
I've just posted a new ebook on my website in the shop called The Empath and the Hero-Fan Family System. I first published these essays in 2009. These essays have been revised and expanded. If you are an Empath and you've found yourself caught in confusing relationship patterns where everything seems normal, healthy and happy on the outside but on the inside you feel crazy, sick, tired, and confused, you may be dealing with unhealthy Heroes or unhealthy Fans. These essays cover what this type of family system looks like, how Emotionally Dissociated Hero behavior is reinforced by Fans.
Also included is a description of Secret Drama, a painful relationship dynamic between an Empath and a Hero in which the Empath keeps secrets for the Hero but then the Hero makes the Empath into a scapegoat for the entire Family so the Family can keep its illusion of health and happiness. Many people find my website because they have this painful relationship with a Hero. I map out why this relationship unfolds the way it does and how the Empath can extract herself and then heal using shamanic work.
I hope you find this new ebook helpful!
much love,
Elaine
The Dangers of the Pedestal
Hi Everyone!
This week I've had two people ask me questions about relationship issues that all stemmed from a pattern of behavior that I like to call Putting Others on a Pedestal. In one case one person was put on the pedestal and viciously knocked off, in the other case, a person who had an old pattern of putting women on a pedestal needed a little clarity around what was her part in the relationship blip, and what was her friend's part. These questions, and another around how to end a relationship that's mired in Drama with as little drama as possible led me today to post an ebook for sale on in my shop called The Empath, Shadow Work, and the Pedestal.
In this ebook I talk about how important doing our Shadow Work is so that we don't project our old wounds onto the people around us. I also talk about the most common wound, the Mother Wound, and how that wound, when severe, can lead to this painful Pedestal Pattern in which we fall in love with a guru, partner, or best friend, then become terribly disillusioned and attack the person for failing us. Once we heal our wounds and step into full maturity and power ironically we become easy targets for others to put US on pedestals. I cover an example of how a non Empath can do this, and how confusing and crazy-making this behavior is for the unwitting Empath. I hope this ebook will be helpful to you! Here's a brief introduction:
As Empaths we can easily fall into the role of Rescuer because we tend to be good listeners, we tend to be supportive and accepting, and in general we hold a safe emotional space for others because we are so in touch with our emotional bodies. We tend to be healers and confidantes for our friends and family without realizing that is the role we are cast in. However, a warning sign that a relationship is headed for Drama is when one of us in the relationship is putting the other on a pedestal.
When this happens to me with a client, I am sure to point out to them their own power and magnificence. I also ask if they realize that they are putting me on a pedestal. With the clients who can see that, we have a basis of continuing to work together because they are conscious of their positive shadow projected onto me. If they aren't able to see how they are projecting, I will usually refer these clients to colleagues with a strong background in counseling rather than coaching.
The reason for this is that the projection of positive shadow (the person on the pedestal is soooo wonderful) can turn very quickly into a projection of negative shadow when the person is revealed to have limits. Usually the fall from the pedestal is pretty spectacular. If we have been buying into that positive projection the switch to the negative projection can be very painful and confusing.
The clue for choosing a new client relationship became, how much was this client expecting from me? How good were this client's boundaries? How much did this client like me and express that feeling given our professional relationship? Had this client done any work already to choose self-responsibilty over Victimhood at all times? These are good questions for all Empaths working on their own boundaries to ask themselves before they enter into a relationship.
If a potential friend or client expresses lots of flattery, gives gifts, or tells me they want to be friends after our work together in the first session or two, this is a strong indication that this person has a severe Mother Wound and will need lots of counseling in addition to Soul Retrieval and Underworld Work.
Most of us do put others on a pedestal. Really, it is the degree to which we do it that determines if it is normal or unhealthy. Most clients I work with do love and appreciate the work that I do. That is fine. And it is fine to enjoy the positive projection, but I have learned to not take it personally. Because, sure enough, the negative projection will soon follow, and that can't be taken personally, either.
However, for unhealthy people who have not taken full responsibility for themselves, moving into Bully position after they have knocked the person off the pedestal feels fully justified. For the person that has just fallen off the pedestal, she is in for a stream of psychic attack at the least and violence at the worst. It can be very scary and confusing to be in that position. The only healthy way out of it is to ride out the storm at that point, take care of the self, but not engage any of the archetypal positions on the triangle.
In my new ebook, The Empath, Shadow Work, and the Pedestal I cover the basic pattern of Empaths putting others on a Pedestal. I also describe what it is like for another Enneagram Archetype, the Black and White Thinker to put an Empath on a pedestal, and how dangerous that can be for the Empath. I hope you will find this ebook helpful and useful in deciphering your own relationships.
much love,
Elaine
The Power of Story and Projection
Hi Everyone,Fall has finally arrived here in Portland bringing with it an end to 80 degree days and sunshine. I so love this change in season! In the past several weeks I've noticed two topics come up with my clients repeatedly--identification with a Story, and Projection of the conclusions of that Story out onto others. So, I thought I would discuss this more in the Empath Telecall; the next one is this Friday at noon pacific time. These two topics of so important because we create our lives through our Stories and our Beliefs, and we have so much external reinforcement of our Stories and Beliefs that they begin to feel like facts rather than something that we have control over and can personally change.From the shaman's perspective, once we get to know our Story, we can change it and use a different, more empowering story, which manifests our lives in a better way for us. Some of these disempowering stories become so embedded in our system that we need help digging out those stories and their beliefs. But once we understand our stories and our patterned way of thinking about ourselves, we gain more control of our lives. Empaths in general have a typical group of stories that we like to tell ourselves. We tend to have great imaginations and live in fantasy and romatic story, we tend to need rescuing (which leads to problems with personal responsibility), or we tend to waste time rescuing others (the flip side of the Drama Triangle), we tend to be perfectionists which leads us to be painfully self-conscious, and we tend to have tragic stories that lead us to concentrate on the past sorrowfully instead of move forward into our creativity. As we become healthy, we can change these stories around and gain strength and wisdom from them instead.Most of us have experienced traumas or unhappy experiences in our past that stuck with us for so long, that they repeat themselves in our current life. We tend to interpret our current experience through these past experiences, and draw similar conclusions. In psychology, this is called projection. From the shaman perspective, however, projection is also a energetic and vibrational experience as well, meaning that we will in the literal plane draw to us the players that we need to play out the roles in our particular story and make it very easy to project. If we have a pattern that plays out repeatedly, the shaman can help dismantle it, and teach the client how to recognize the pattern and the typical projection that comes with it. This is hard hard personal work because when each of us project unconsciously, it seems like the world is the way it is, rather than it originating from us--it is a blind spot for us, although it might be quite obvious what the blindspot is for others looking in! But from the shaman perspective, each of us is the source of our reality, and each of us is responsible for everything that we create.This is both frightening and empowering, because it means that by changing our internal world, we can change our literal external world for the better. All we need to do is start with ourselves and our own innerworld. This is good news for the Empath who loves looking at the innerworld, but it is also a challenge. Some of our most powerful patterns come from our family system. We take on our role in the family and the belief system, and if we do not become conscious, that belief system can so run our lives that we do not have much choice in how our lives unfold. However, breaking out of a family belief system can be incredibly painful and confusing, depending on how unhealthy the belief system was for us, and how ingrained our family members will still be in holding it together. The pull from these types of patterns can literally feel like they have a life force all their own.If you'd like to learn more, or share your personal experiences with these topics, please feel free to join me on Friday, or write to me here on my blog. Here's to doing the personal work in order to live a happy and free life!much love,Elaine
Hi Everyone, Fall has finally arrived here in Portland bringing with it an end to 80 degree days and sunshine. I so love this change in season! In the past several weeks I've noticed two topics come up with my clients repeatedly--identification with a Story, and Projection of the conclusions of that Story out onto others. So, I thought I would discuss this more in the Empath Telecall; the next one is this Friday at noon pacific time. These two topics of so important because we create our lives through our Stories and our Beliefs, and we have so much external reinforcement of our Stories and Beliefs that they begin to feel like facts rather than something that we have control over and can personally change.From the shaman's perspective, once we get to know our Story, we can change it and use a different, more empowering story, which manifests our lives in a better way for us. Some of these disempowering stories become so embedded in our system that we need help digging out those stories and their beliefs. But once we understand our stories and our patterned way of thinking about ourselves, we gain more control of our lives. Empaths in general have a typical group of stories that we like to tell ourselves. We tend to have great imaginations and live in fantasy and romatic story, we tend to need rescuing (which leads to problems with personal responsibility), or we tend to waste time rescuing others (the flip side of the Drama Triangle), we tend to be perfectionists which leads us to be painfully self-conscious, and we tend to have tragic stories that lead us to concentrate on the past sorrowfully instead of move forward into our creativity. As we become healthy, we can change these stories around and gain strength and wisdom from them instead.Most of us have experienced traumas or unhappy experiences in our past that stuck with us for so long, that they repeat themselves in our current life. We tend to interpret our current experience through these past experiences, and draw similar conclusions. In psychology, this is called projection. From the shaman perspective, however, projection is also a energetic and vibrational experience as well, meaning that we will in the literal plane draw to us the players that we need to play out the roles in our particular story and make it very easy to project. If we have a pattern that plays out repeatedly, the shaman can help dismantle it, and teach the client how to recognize the pattern and the typical projection that comes with it. This is hard hard personal work because when each of us project unconsciously, it seems like the world is the way it is, rather than it originating from us--it is a blind spot for us, although it might be quite obvious what the blindspot is for others looking in! But from the shaman perspective, each of us is the source of our reality, and each of us is responsible for everything that we create. This is both frightening and empowering, because it means that by changing our internal world, we can change our literal external world for the better. All we need to do is start with ourselves and our own innerworld. This is good news for the Empath who loves looking at the innerworld, but it is also a challenge. Some of our most powerful patterns come from our family system. We take on our role in the family and the belief system, and if we do not become conscious, that belief system can so run our lives that we do not have much choice in how our lives unfold. However, breaking out of a family belief system can be incredibly painful and confusing, depending on how unhealthy the belief system was for us, and how ingrained our family members will still be in holding it together. The pull from these types of patterns can literally feel like they have a life force all their own.If you'd like to learn more, or share your personal experiences with these topics, please feel free to join me on Friday, or write to me here on my blog. Here's to doing the personal work in order to live a happy and free life!much love,Elaine
Family System Reinforcement Essays
Hello Everyone!I hope you enjoy the labor day weekend. Here in Portland we're planning on enjoying a bbq on Sunday despite the rain in the forecast. I just love autumn!This week I've published several new essays on my website around Family System Reinforcement. These essays follow one Empath through a Family System and show her path in healing from the typical Empath wounds of rejection and abandonment so she can form her own happy marriage and family. If you are an Empath, these essays are for you. If you are an emotionally dissociated Hero these essays may also be helpful in seeing how the Archetypes of Empath and Hero interact.www.elainelajoie.com/EmpathyandRelationshipsBook.htmThe new essays are toward the bottom of the page under the heading, Family System Reinforcement.Enjoy, and have a wonderful holiday weekend!much love,Elaine
Hello Everyone! I hope you enjoy the labor day weekend. Here in Portland we're planning on enjoying a bbq on Sunday despite the rain in the forecast. I just love autumn! This week I've published several new essays on my website around Family System Reinforcement. These essays follow one Empath through a Family System and show her path in healing from the typical Empath wounds of rejection and abandonment so she can form her own happy marriage and family. If you are an Empath, these essays are for you. If you are an emotionally dissociated Hero these essays may also be helpful in seeing how the Archetypes of Empath and Hero interact.www.elainelajoie.com/EmpathyandRelationshipsBook.htmThe new essays are toward the bottom of the page under the heading, Family System Reinforcement.Enjoy, and have a wonderful holiday weekend!much love,Elaine
The Empath and Archetype
Hi Everyone,I hope you all are enjoying this beautiful summer! In Portland we're starting another thankfully short heatwave after a few weeks of cool days in the 70's. I had an interesting synchronistic experience last week that I wanted to share with you. As most of you know, when synchronicity is in action, Spirit is in action--we've stepped out of linear time and into circular time. It's a cool and magical experience. I had this plus the veil between waking time and dream time lift briefly to give me a glimpse into my own healing process. What magic, but whoa!As all of you know I've been working on a series of essays to collect into a book for the past two years based on the healing journey of most Empaths. What I've concluded from working with clients and from my own personal healing work is that Archetypal forces shape our lives more than we might think. Our lives feel very personal to us (especially if we have the Archetype of Empath) but in the larger picture, we are living out similar archetypal patterns. So, my book and my Empath Telecall have been centered around these archetypal forces so we can understand what is happening to us and step out of archetypal forces, or at least use the best parts of the archetype for our benefit.For the past three calls I have been pulling lessons out of my own personal story to illustrate the collective force of the Family, and how that force can be so strong we may not break free of it to lead the lives that we might choose for ourselves. I had been afraid that I might step too strongly into my own personal story when it came to describing the archetype of the Fan, because in my past people with the Fan archetype have irritated and disappointed me greatly. (The Fan is the archetype that is most concerned about the group and maintaining the group or family, even at the expense of the individuals involved.)The night before I held my telecall I had a dream in which tornados were taking out the buildings of my college campus. I had looked behind me, and two tornados were tearing a building apart. As I turned my head to the right, three more tornados were taking out another building. Now I was terrified and afraid that I was going to be caught in the twisters and killed. I started to run. But, when I looked ahead of me, two more tornados were destroying yet another building. In that moment I understood that I was not going to survive this, and my fear went away. It was OK to let myself die.I woke up feeling well rested, oddly enough, given the dream! Usually I do not know until the last minute who will be on these telecalls. As it turned out in this call all the participants had Fan mothers (including me.) The lecture that I had prepared was pertinent personally to each of them, and it made such a difference as to how they were viewing their relationships with their Fan mothers. In fact, the call helped me understand my own mother, and the Fans in my husband's family better as well. Spirit brought the right participants, and my worries about becoming too personal were unfounded; after all, I was talking about the collective's archetypal patterns.The next day my husband and I were at the park with our toddler son. We were talking about the insights I had come to from giving my telecall, and how we could let the anger and guilt we still had at leaving his family system die. While we were happy that we had escaped the powerful group think so we could have the lives that we really wanted, there were still parts of us that cycled between guilt and anger at having done so. Of course, the remaining guilt and the anger are residues of the strength of influence the family group think had over us.As we talked about this, on my right, just out of my arms reach, a dust devil stirred up. It swirled into a mini twister about a dozen feet tall, threw up bark chips in my hair, my husband's hair, then moved past me to my son and threw chips into his hair, then it chased a toddler across the park before dissipating. We started laughing at this, given my dream of two days before. We were getting cleaned out to the very roots, and not only had I seen it in dream time, I had seen it in waking time, too. Progress in our healing made, with comfirmation from Spirit!I love working with Spirit! Healing work is usually a mixture of hard work and joy at the freedom coming our way when we really step in to the path of power. But for me, those meetings of Spirit making the huge signs are the most rewarding. I hope this story helps you step in and claim those places where you are still giving your personal power away instead of using it for your own creativity and joy.much love,Elaine
Hi Everyone,I hope you all are enjoying this beautiful summer! In Portland we're starting another thankfully short heatwave after a few weeks of cool days in the 70's. I had an interesting synchronistic experience last week that I wanted to share with you. As most of you know, when synchronicity is in action, Spirit is in action--we've stepped out of linear time and into circular time. It's a cool and magical experience. I had this plus the veil between waking time and dream time lift briefly to give me a glimpse into my own healing process. What magic, but whoa!As all of you know I've been working on a series of essays to collect into a book for the past two years based on the healing journey of most Empaths. What I've concluded from working with clients and from my own personal healing work is that Archetypal forces shape our lives more than we might think. Our lives feel very personal to us (especially if we have the Archetype of Empath) but in the larger picture, we are living out similar archetypal patterns. So, my book and my Empath Telecall have been centered around these archetypal forces so we can understand what is happening to us and step out of archetypal forces, or at least use the best parts of the archetype for our benefit.For the past three calls I have been pulling lessons out of my own personal story to illustrate the collective force of the Family, and how that force can be so strong we may not break free of it to lead the lives that we might choose for ourselves. I had been afraid that I might step too strongly into my own personal story when it came to describing the archetype of the Fan, because in my past people with the Fan archetype have irritated and disappointed me greatly. (The Fan is the archetype that is most concerned about the group and maintaining the group or family, even at the expense of the individuals involved.)The night before I held my telecall I had a dream in which tornados were taking out the buildings of my college campus. I had looked behind me, and two tornados were tearing a building apart. As I turned my head to the right, three more tornados were taking out another building. Now I was terrified and afraid that I was going to be caught in the twisters and killed. I started to run. But, when I looked ahead of me, two more tornados were destroying yet another building. In that moment I understood that I was not going to survive this, and my fear went away. It was OK to let myself die.I woke up feeling well rested, oddly enough, given the dream! Usually I do not know until the last minute who will be on these telecalls. As it turned out in this call all the participants had Fan mothers (including me.) The lecture that I had prepared was pertinent personally to each of them, and it made such a difference as to how they were viewing their relationships with their Fan mothers. In fact, the call helped me understand my own mother, and the Fans in my husband's family better as well. Spirit brought the right participants, and my worries about becoming too personal were unfounded; after all, I was talking about the collective's archetypal patterns.The next day my husband and I were at the park with our toddler son. We were talking about the insights I had come to from giving my telecall, and how we could let the anger and guilt we still had at leaving his family system die. While we were happy that we had escaped the powerful group think so we could have the lives that we really wanted, there were still parts of us that cycled between guilt and anger at having done so. Of course, the remaining guilt and the anger are residues of the strength of influence the family group think had over us.As we talked about this, on my right, just out of my arms reach, a dust devil stirred up. It swirled into a mini twister about a dozen feet tall, threw up bark chips in my hair, my husband's hair, then moved past me to my son and threw chips into his hair, then it chased a toddler across the park before dissipating. We started laughing at this, given my dream of two days before. We were getting cleaned out to the very roots, and not only had I seen it in dream time, I had seen it in waking time, too. Progress in our healing made, with comfirmation from Spirit!I love working with Spirit! Healing work is usually a mixture of hard work and joy at the freedom coming our way when we really step in to the path of power. But for me, those meetings of Spirit making the huge signs are the most rewarding. I hope this story helps you step in and claim those places where you are still giving your personal power away instead of using it for your own creativity and joy.much love,Elaine
Shamanic Work and Family System Reinforcement
Hello Everyone,
I just recently returned from working with Marv and Shanon Harwood of Kimmapii Energies up in Alberta, Canada. This was a great opportunity for me to revisit the South work of Shedding what no longer Serves, plus I had the chance to see Marv again. While I am recovering from my experiences of the Spring, I highly recommend Marv if you need energywork done. He certainly did some amazing work on me while I was there! His website is www.kimmapii.com/
Also, I just finished recording the Eighth Empath Telecall. In this call we talked about how our Family System keeps us stuck in old patterns and behaviors that might not be in our best interest, and how painful it can be when we stop colluding with our family of origin. The next call we'll talk more about how shamanic work can undo family belief systems that began generations ago that still keep us bound in the present. In both calls I use my personal experiences and experiences with clients. If you are interested in listening, go to here
Hello Everyone,I just recently returned from working with Marv and Shanon Harwood of Kimmapii Energies up in Alberta, Canada. This was a great opportunity for me to revisit the South work of Shedding what no longer Serves, plus I had the chance to see Marv again. While I am recovering from my experiences of the Spring, I highly recommend Marv if you need energywork done. He certainly did some amazing work on me while I was there! His website is http://www.kimmapii.com/Also, I just finished recording the Eighth Empath Telecall. In this call we talked about how our Family System keeps us stuck in old patterns and behaviors that might not be in our best interest, and how painful it can be when we stop colluding with our family of origin. The next call we'll talk more about how shamanic work can undo family belief systems that began generations ago that still keep us bound in the present. In both calls I use my personal experiences and experiences with clients. If you are interested in listening, go to http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmpathTeleclassPurchase.htm
E-Essays now Available
Hi everyone!
Well, at the urging of some of my clients, I've made some of my essays that will appear in my book available for purchase ahead of time. I hope to have the book published as a softcover book by the end of the year, but I've said that before. So, here's the first set of 6 essays. Just visit my website here
http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmpathyandRelationshipsBook.htm
Let me know what you think, and I hope they are helpful!
much love,
Elaine
Hi everyone!Well, at the urging of some of my clients, I've made some of my essays that will appear in my book available for purchase ahead of time. I hope to have the book published as a softcover book by the end of the year, but I've said that before. So, here's the first set of 6 essays. Just visit my website herehttp://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/EmpathyandRelationshipsBook.htmLet me know what you think, and I hope they are helpful!much love,Elaine
Dealing with Attack Energy
Hello everyone!
I had a question arrive in my email box about dealing with the unspoken messages from someone else. In this case, my client is receiving "attack" vibes. What do we do when those are unspoken vibes and not acted upon by the other person? This is an important question for Empaths because we tend to respond to the unspoken and the hidden rather than what is actually going on literally. Here is her question:
"I get a weird vibe from one of the girls at our annual gathering. It's like she wants to attack me or I annoy her or it's like she jealous and I get this feeling of her wanting to put me in my place. Anytime I'm being funny or entertaining I can feel her energy. At times like these it would be nice to be normal and just not notice it and go on with my life like the others around me! I was super aware of her energy and not sure how to handle it. My usual method would be to shrink back and shut down or to try to please her which feels awful and weak. So as I was trying to figure out how to handle this these options came to mind. Do I...
a. understand that she is just injured somewhere in this area and is acting out of pain and needs healing and understanding. Try to send her love, make her feel more comfortable and try to help her. (feel like I've been burned by this approach in the past) b. Put up the strongest boundaries I can muster and try my best to go on with my life ignoring her. (this doesn't really work for me) c. Think "oh this is interesting Sally is having these feelings hmm. I wonder what is going on with her?" and then let the energy go through me so to speak understanding that this is her stuff I DON'T have to own it and it doesn't have to have power over me. Just let it be and bring the focus back on myself my body, what I'm seeing around me, what I'm feeling sensing etc. (This seemed to work pretty good!)
I do know the more I was afraid of her reaction the worse things seemed to get. The fear fueled it so to speak. Honestly acknowledging to myself, however, what I was sensing from her and then not taking responsibility for it and not giving these feelings power over me seemed to work well."
OK, to answer this question, it's helpful to look at it from the Drama Triangle perspective. Option a. operates from the Role of Rescuer. This person's anger and annoyance isn't really any of our business to fix. As Empaths we tend to try to fix things to make ourselves feel better. It can backfire, especially since the other person could easily fall into the Bully role if we step into the Rescuer role. Sure, she may be wounded or whatever, but it is not our business.
Option b. is somewhat doable and in other ways not doable. As Empaths we cannot ignore this extra information, especially when it is attack being directed at us. Trying to resist it in this way can be exhausting. At the same time, it is important to realize that hanging out in this type of vibration is also exhausting, and that there will be a cost later. This person is sending out psychic attack, and that does have an effect on our system.
Option c is great! It acknowledges what is going on. The attack vibes are real. It puts the responsibility on the attacker, and it also keeps us out of both the Victim and the Rescuer roles. (and bully role, too!) This identifying the problem, seeing who is responsible, and then moving out of the way of the vibration is the "aikido" of energetic protection. At the same time, the vibration in the room is still not good for us, and we should understand that our limits with such a person are going to be lower than other non-Empaths.
The description of coming back into the body and noticing what is literally going on is what is called moving into the perceptual state of the literal (serpent in shamanic terms) Doing so shuts off momentarily the perceptions of the hidden (jaguar) from which most Empaths live. But it is approaching the whole issue with non-personal awareness (the perceptual state of the soul) that allows us to be in such situations without having to engage them or get caught in someone elses drama.
The last bit of observation--that the fear tends to exacerbate the psychic attack--is my client moving into the Victim mode, which invites more attack from the Bully, even though no conscious drama is going on!!! This is the power of the drama triangle! The best protection from these situations is to not get caught in the other person's Drama--don't pick up whatever role they want you to play. And move out of the way. Sometimes we DO need to move physically out of the way as well, but do so without a big story of Drama around it.
With just an annual gathering of a few days, I bet my client can handle it and still enjoying the rest of the people there. If this was a daily occurance, then something would need to change for my client's emotional health.
Let me know if you have more questions!!
much love,
Elaine
Hello everyone!I had a question arrive in my email box about dealing with the unspoken messages from someone else. In this case, my client is receiving "attack" vibes. What do we do when those are unspoken vibes and not acted upon by the other person? This is an important question for Empaths because we tend to respond to the unspoken and the hidden rather than what is actually going on literally. Here is her question:"I get a weird vibe from one of the girls at our annual gathering. It's like she wants to attack me or I annoy her or it's like she jealous and I get this feeling of her wanting to put me in my place. Anytime I'm being funny or entertaining I can feel her energy. At times like these it would be nice to be normal and just not notice it and go on with my life like the others around me! I was super aware of her energy and not sure how to handle it. My usual method would be to shrink back and shut down or to try to please her which feels awful and weak. So as I was trying to figure out how to handle this these options came to mind. Do I...a. understand that she is just injured somewhere in this area and is acting out of pain and needs healing and understanding. Try to send her love, make her feel more comfortable and try to help her. (feel like I've been burned by this approach in the past) b. Put up the strongest boundaries I can muster and try my best to go on with my life ignoring her. (this doesn't really work for me) c. Think "oh this is interesting Sally is having these feelings hmm. I wonder what is going on with her?" and then let the energy go through me so to speak understanding that this is her stuff I DON'T have to own it and it doesn't have to have power over me. Just let it be and bring the focus back on myself my body, what I'm seeing around me, what I'm feeling sensing etc. (This seemed to work pretty good!)I do know the more I was afraid of her reaction the worse things seemed to get. The fear fueled it so to speak. Honestly acknowledging to myself, however, what I was sensing from her and then not taking responsibility for it and not giving these feelings power over me seemed to work well."OK, to answer this question, it's helpful to look at it from the Drama Triangle perspective. Option a. operates from the Role of Rescuer. This person's anger and annoyance isn't really any of our business to fix. As Empaths we tend to try to fix things to make ourselves feel better. It can backfire, especially since the other person could easily fall into the Bully role if we step into the Rescuer role. Sure, she may be wounded or whatever, but it is not our business.Option b. is somewhat doable and in other ways not doable. As Empaths we cannot ignore this extra information, especially when it is attack being directed at us. Trying to resist it in this way can be exhausting. At the same time, it is important to realize that hanging out in this type of vibration is also exhausting, and that there will be a cost later. This person is sending out psychic attack, and that does have an effect on our system. Option c is great! It acknowledges what is going on. The attack vibes are real. It puts the responsibility on the attacker, and it also keeps us out of both the Victim and the Rescuer roles. (and bully role, too!) This identifying the problem, seeing who is responsible, and then moving out of the way of the vibration is the "aikido" of energetic protection. At the same time, the vibration in the room is still not good for us, and we should understand that our limits with such a person are going to be lower than other non-Empaths.The description of coming back into the body and noticing what is literally going on is what is called moving into the perceptual state of the literal (serpent in shamanic terms) Doing so shuts off momentarily the perceptions of the hidden (jaguar) from which most Empaths live. But it is approaching the whole issue with non-personal awareness (the perceptual state of the soul) that allows us to be in such situations without having to engage them or get caught in someone elses drama.The last bit of observation--that the fear tends to exacerbate the psychic attack--is my client moving into the Victim mode, which invites more attack from the Bully, even though no conscious drama is going on!!! This is the power of the drama triangle! The best protection from these situations is to not get caught in the other person's Drama--don't pick up whatever role they want you to play. And move out of the way. Sometimes we DO need to move physically out of the way as well, but do so without a big story of Drama around it. With just an annual gathering of a few days, I bet my client can handle it and still enjoying the rest of the people there. If this was a daily occurance, then something would need to change for my client's emotional health. Let me know if you have more questions!! much love,Elaine
Support for the Empath
Hi Everyone!
I am happy to annouce that I have been able to record the Empath Telecall for those of you who are looking for support and insight into your intuitive gifts. Right now there are two calls available for download, and the live calls are scheduled for the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month. Our next call is this Friday. Please let me know if you'd like to join us. Right now we've discussed how the Empath deals with input from others, basic protections, and we've just begun talking about the Drama Triangle and the Empath. If you'd like to learn more, just go to my website and click workshops. It's the first workshop listed.
Here's to enjoying our Empathy and our intuitive gifts!
Elaine
Hi Everyone!I am happy to annouce that I have been able to record the Empath Telecall for those of you who are looking for support and insight into your intuitive gifts. Right now there are two calls available for download, and the live calls are scheduled for the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month. Our next call is this Friday. Please let me know if you'd like to join us. Right now we've discussed how the Empath deals with input from others, basic protections, and we've just begun talking about the Drama Triangle and the Empath. If you'd like to learn more, just go to my website and click workshops. It's the first workshop listed.Here's to enjoying our Empathy and our intuitive gifts!Elaine