Transformation on the Blog

Hi All, A few months ago, NeoInsight wrote in asking questions about his marriage to his Emotionally Dissociated wife.  If you haven't been following the comments that followed the post, NeoInsight has not only divorced his wife, but has also left the Drama Triangle, too, which meant leaving another friendship behind as well.  You can read about his journey in the post entitled Questions about Emotional Dissociation which was updated just today.It is an interesting thing that our difficulties in our relationships always come back to ourselves.  It's very easy as Empaths to see the Emotionally Dissociated friend or partner as the problem, and believe me, they can be really aggravating.  But, the more interesting question is why are we in the relationship?  What are we getting out of it?  What is our part in creating the problem?  These questions take the focus to where it belongs--our own healing.  And when we heal ourselves, we change our vibration, and then everything around us changes, including our relationship that was the original focus.  Sometimes the relationship ends, but sometimes it also magically transforms.Elaine

Emotional Dissociation---Exposing the Dissociated Hero

I was just asked the question of whether it should be explained to the dissociated hero the motivations that lead her to be cold and unfeeling in her relationships.  My reader had found my essay on dissociated heroes and discovered that his girlfriend could be described as one.  Especially in a break up situation, explaining what is wrong with the hero is probably a bad idea.  While it can be a relief to discover the motivations behind a person's actions, especially when that person has hurt or aggravated us, we have to remember that people are defended for a reason.  To forcibly break down those defenses is in some ways very cruel.Of course, most Empaths are not attempting cruelty, they are attempting to bring clarity.  Empaths, who are very attached to clarity and authenticity and so tend to listen carefully to others' observations of them, have a tendency not to see that their efforts at explaining the faults of another when unasked are seen as an attack rather than as a help by the average person, and by the dissociated hero in particular.  If a break up has already occurred, chances are that the defended hero is not interested in learning more or becoming more self-aware.  Questions to ask before attempting to educate a former mate or best friend are, "Is this person aware of the affect her actions have on others, or does she react based upon how she believes the person should react according to his role?" "Does she normally just want to move onward and forward without looking back at the past?"   The answers to these questions will reveal how disconnected the Hero is from her inner self.  The more disonnected, the worse an explanation will be received. Most dissociated heroes are not interested in becoming self-aware.  That very self-awareness points them in the direction of their inner feelings of unworthiness.  If the Empath or the unwitting person decides to inform the dissociated hero of what motivates her, the Empath is likely to be attacked or even completely ignored in return.  If the Empath doesn’t mind the verbal and psychic abuse likely to head her way, konking the dissociated hero on the head with unwanted knowledge can be a sufficient release of frustration, and also has the added benefit in that the Empath can assuage any feelings of having not done enough to save the relationship.Perhaps in some cases a revelation might be helpful.  I have found this only to be true if the other, when not under stress, has committed to a lifetime of personal growth, and understands the challenges, AND when under stress walks his/her talk.  Even those that do commit to growth can reach their limits and simply may not be able to see past their own defenses.  This applies to all of us, not just dissociated Heroes.  Growth happens in its own time, and usually it happens most gracefully with the consent and inquiry of the one undertaking the growth.  So, as long as my reader is ready to take the consequences, it may be worth it to him to attempt to educate the Hero.I have to say, though, that when I was involved with a dissociated Hero, my attempts to educate her led to the break up of not just our friendship, but several other relationships in our group of mutual friends as well.  Not only that, but the information I gave the Hero fell on deaf ears in that years later she asked for my help in getting out the same sort of dramatic situation Heroes tend to create that I had complained of.  At the time her request for help was mindboggling, but that is how disconnected from reality dissociated Heroes can be.  People really do learn in their own time and sometimes not even with help, and not even with cold hard experience. Let me know if you have further questions or comments on this topic.  I know this is a hot one for Empaths, who are driven to be authentic and truthful, and fix whatever needs fixing.  Sometimes the motto to follow is to cause the least harm and let others to their own paths without our input, especially when it has been made clear that it is not wanted or valued.  Sometimes that entails simply cutting our losses and walking away, without the reconciliation and the understanding we might want, or they might want, given that we'll suffer damage by staying in the relationship. 

Questions about Dealing with Emotional Dissociation

Hello  I enjoyed your article on Intuitives, Empaths, and the Dissociated person.  I am traveling through a very difficult time in my life and have literally felt like I don't know what hit me.  I am an intuitive but just beginning my spiritual journey.  I am a scientist with an open mind and am finding so much truth in the spiritual side of life. I have been married for 12 years and although my wife is a great mother (we have two boys), I have discovered that I am in an abusive relationship - abusive emotionally.  I have discovered this after countless hours of research and reading and talking to many different people including a year of counseling (both with my wife and by myself).  My close family members have told me for years that things were not as I observed - I was ordered around and not loved or respected.  My wife is not a bad person, but we don't seem to function well together, unless I am taking care of all of the emotion.  We are different creatures.  I have felt like my energy has slowly been drained over the years and now I have nothing left to give to her.It appears that our marriage is over.  I have no desire to jump through the next higher layer of hoops to win her over.  We have both said that in our gut we know it is over.  We are separted but still sleeping in the same bed and this is the plan for a year.  I have withdrawn my emotional energy from her and I am feeling better, but at times she seems bitter.  I am preparing to move on, but finding I feel uneasy and lonely at times.I have two questions in relation to your article.  First, myself and others that I have shown this article to do not quite understand what is meant by the intuitive processing the dissociated persons emotional energy for them.   I can understand that my energy field has been drained, but not the processing part.The second part of my question is, is it better to stay in a dead-end relationship for kids sake or is it more important for my soul and that of my children (and even my wife's) to move on and be true to myself and hope to find another person of similar spirit?  I know similar people to me are out there, in fact I believe I met a soul mate of mine 10 years ago - we have been close friends since.   I know there are studies, some of which say it is best to stay together (for the kids sake), but others say it is best to show the kids true happiness, which can't be found in the current relationship.  So from a spiritual perspective, what is best for myself, my wife, and our kids?  I truly believe that my wife is dissociated and has deep emotional sadness and pain (which I can't get to in order to help), therefore the direction that I am heading appears to match what your article recommends - step out of the way gently, which I interpret to mean that I should move on (I am not suggesting that your article is telling me to leave my wife!).I know from my core that I must move on.  My counselor has told me this and he is helping me move in this direction - not pushing me but definately guiding me, my family has suggested this, my wife wants to.   I guess since I haven't done this before, it does terrify me, but I also know that I am happy on my own and will always be - alone or not, my happiness comes from within. I love life, my job, my kids, and the journey that I am just starting.  I am finding strength in my soul mate, friends, family, counseling, and wonderfully insightful articles such as this. I guess what I am looking for someone to tell me it is okay to move on, in fact it is the right thing to do.  I definately have the strength to do this, but it is incredibly difficult at times.  I know that you do not know me, so I am looking for a broader spiritual answer and not necessarily one specific to my situation.  I am mainly concerned about my children and how this will affect them.  I had hoped and expected to be with them every day of their childhood.Thanks for your time,NeoInsight

Empathy and Being a Scapegoat

Hi Everyone!I've published a new essay on my website around a very painful trap that Empaths can fall into; processing the emotional energy of not just one person, but of an entire group, and then being rejected by the group for holding all those unwanted emotions.  This can be horribly confusing and painful for the sensitive soul.  Here's the link: http://www.clearreflectioncoaching.com/Scapegoating.htm I hope this is helpful and you are enjoying the entrance of Summer!Elaine

Drama and Empathy---Being a Rescuer

Hi Everyone,             The Drama Triangle is essential for Empaths and Spiritual Seekers to understand so we can avoid it and have more energy to create the lives that we really want. Practicing spotting when we are playing any of the three roles (Victim, Rescuer, Perpetrator) can help take us out of the drama triangle forever and into personal empowerment. Because the roles of  drama are archetypal (they are a part of our culture and group consciousness) they can be hard to notice when we are playing them.             Once the Empath comes to terms with the way he or she acts out a victim story, the next role to look at is the Rescuer.  This is the role that is the most confusing for Empaths.  Because empaths are easily hooked in to the emotional responses of others, and we are naturally compassionate, and because emotional energy is something that we are good at processing, we can find ourselves making others in our lives feel better by processing the others' emotions for them, or by trying to actively fix and find solutions for the others in our lives.  Although usually there are good intentions involved, rescuing usually does not work out well because it still leaves the victim disempowered and the rescuing empath depleted.            In more unhealed cases, rescuers can get themselves into trouble by making themselves necessary to the victim's life.  More common for the Empath is the times when we are not aware that we are playing the role of rescuer, and we discover ourselves in a relationship where we find we are considered necessary to another, even though we haven't chosen this for ourselves.  Then we can find ourselves feeling trapped and unable to figure out how to escape.            In fact, whatever victim we have attracted to ourselves has expectations on how we should behave as rescuer.  When we don't come through for this person the way she expects, she can become very angry with us and blame us for a failed rescue.  (The rescuer now becomes the perpetrator in the victim's eyes for the failed rescue.)  From the rescuer's perspective, we are in danger of thinking of ourselves as a victim of the angry victim's blame and demands, and so the original victim we were supposed to rescue has become the perpetrator.  If we do not catch ourselves at this point, we can continue this cycle of switching places on the drama triangle, creating discomfort and pain for everyone involved.            The way out of this, if we tend to be rescuers, is to make sure that our support is not crossing the line into the other person's power.  If we unwittingly attract a victim person to us, in some cases once we notice we are in this pattern, we can mention what we see, and if the person is conscious enough and willing enough, she may step out of their victim pattern.  In other cases we may have to weather a brief storm from her for failing to rescue the victim the way she would like us to, but if we hold still, the storm will pass and the victim will move on to finding a better rescuer.  And then we will be the wiser and stop the pattern earlier the next time. It's a practice!!!Elaine

Drama and Empathy---being a victim

Hi Everyone, I'm in the process of writing a guide for empaths, and one of the topics that comes up again and again in my practice is how Empaths tend to get stuck in drama.  A drama can be created when we find ourselves acting or behaving as victims.  Being a victim is a position of powerlessness, which then makes it hard to create the life we really want.  We literally cannot manifest our dreams because the vibe we put out is all around helplessness.  Instead, what we attract to us is a Rescuer (who tries to fix us or solve our problems for us, keeping us powerless) or we attract a Perpetrator (who picks on us, and makes us feel even more victimized).  This can be a hugely vicious cycle.  The way to get out of it is to catch yourself if you are blaming someone or circumstances for your emotional or mental state, and then put yourself back into a position of power by claiming responsiblity for your emotions and thoughts.  For empaths this can be a challenge because we can identify so strongly with our emotions.  The emotions are not the problem, however, our perspective around the circumstance at hand is.  When we change the way we relate to the world, it automatically changes how it relates to us.